Smells Like Middle-Age Spirit
With my square jaw, ready smile and closet full of perfectly starched Brooks Brothers button-downs, no one believes I was a hard-rocking long-hair as I described in my recent Headbanger column.
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Joe Ditzel
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
Month: April 2010
Wordsquatters
I played the message again.
“Hello, yes, this is John Wanker. I have just read your humor article entitled “Through the Nose”. I am informing you that I own a company called Through the Nose. Your title is infringing on my trademark.”
What? This guy has a company called Through the Nose and the title of my humor column is infringing on his trademark?
It’s getting so you can’t use common words and phrases without violating some creep’s trademark. First the dot coms took over the language because you can’t start a web-site with a cool dot com name. And all those are snapped up by cyber-squatters.
Now everyday words violate a trademark.
I guess I have to eliminate these potential titles then:
Pass the Salt Please
I Took Three of Them
Take A Little Off the Sides
Do You Have This in Size 10?
Move Your Ass, This is the Passing Lane!
Thank You for Seating Us Near the Kitchen
No, It Fits Fine, I’m Returning It Because It Is Ugly
Are You Going To Eat That?
The Green is 110 Yards Away, I’d Use Your Driver
What Is It Going to Take to Put You In This Car Today?
You’ll Like Her, She Looks Like Mariah Carey
65? Are You Sure This A School Zone?
I Didn’t Vote For Him
Its Three Hours Long Which is 2 ½ Hours Too Much
He’s Dumb, But He Can Sure Hunt Ducks
That Toupee is Natural
This Model Has Ocean Views
I’m A Really Good Cook
The Cops Over There Are Really Redneck
Again?
You Better Run, You Punks!
No, It Looks Really Good On You
This Will Last Forever
You Have Got To Be Kidding
And let’s don’t forget:
I Always Hated Your Family
And
Get Down Off Of There!
My guess is that very soon people will get copyrights not just for common words, but for common sounds. Every time you eat delicious food and say, “Mmmmmmmm”, you will be violating the copyright of the Mmmmmmm company of Tulsa.
If you make fake explosion noises like “Kerperssch” you will get an angry call from the Kerperssch company based in Auckland.
Have you ever started to sneeze and then burped at the same time? It sounds kind of like,”AaaaaaahaaaaBUUURRRPPPPP!”
Well, get out your checkbook. You owe royalty money to the owner of the sneeze-burp trademark- the AaaaaaahaaaaBUUURRRPPPPP company headquartered in Akron.
You don’t want to see their logo.
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Crowded House
My father and mother were basking in the glow of their first year of marriage. They were sitting on the porch sipping lemonade when my mom announced lovingly, “I’m already sick of looking at you. Let’s have a kid.”
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Ditzels Through History
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I’m tracing my family tree. I feel that the history of each family is the real history of the United States. I want to find out why my ancestors left Germany in the 1880’s to settle in Dayton. I want to learn first hand the sacrifices they made. Plus I want to see if there is any hidden treasure they left that rightfully belongs to me.
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Ditzel Mobile
My father was, how do you say, frugal. When it came to our family cars, he was at his “frugalest”. When I was in high school we had a 1965 Mercury Comet. We pleaded for a newer car. It was embarrassing to pick up girls in this car. The doors were as heavy as a door to a safe. If the door didn’t close on your date and kill them, they cut their knee on the 8-track tape machine hanging down from the dash.
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Do You Work Here?
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Everywhere I go people ask me one thing: “Excuse me, do you work here?”
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That’s A Good Flick
I rent a lot of movies. Some are movies I didn’t want to pay $8 to see in a theater. Some I just didn’t have time to see. Some I wish they would have paid ME to sit through.
There are lots of clerks at my video store but invariably I always get the same guy. He has an opinion on every movie I bring to the counter. And he voices that opinion. LOUDLY.
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Planet Guilt
Planet Hollywood is having some financial problems lately. Despite these setbacks, there is news of more theme restaurants. Here are some of the new exciting restaurants soon to be built near you:
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Cookie
Today is the day! The Girl Scout Cookies are here! I get my cookies from coworkers. Last year they didn’t arrive until around 330pm. I didn’t eat lunch that day. I was so hungry I ate a whole box of samoas. My body started to shake. I walked around like Beavis with my shirt over my head muttering “more samoas”. I had to leave work and lie down for 35 days.
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Mental
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I should have become a therapist. That’s a good job. You just listen to people drone on about their problems for an hour while you picture another $150 falling out of the sky.
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‘Kick Ass’ Does Just That
Kick Ass is a funny, gory send-up of comics and their fans- here is the tale of the tomato.
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Dancing At Concerts
Remember that trippy person dancing in front of the speakers at the concert? You remember.
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Battering Ram
[Daniel and coworker are in large Jeep]
Daniel Miller: Why do you drive this?
Jeep Owner: What?
Daniel Miller: I’m curious. I see people driving these things. What do you know that I don’t? Are floods coming? Hoover Dam broke? What’s going on?
Jeep Owner: I like this car.
Daniel Miller: It’s not a car, it’s a battering ram. This is what Patton drove: “Hey you, soldier! Follow us!”
Jeep Owner: Make fun, but in an 8.5 earthquake, you’ll beg for a Jeep.
Daniel Miller: In an 8.5 earthquake, I’ll beg for a coffin.
– Defending Your Life
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Mr. and Mrs. Pain
I’ll take you out for a meal with Mr. and Mrs. Pain … order up some violent quiche.
– The Mighty Boosh
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I’ll Pay For Your Groceries
I was at the Downtown Ralph’s near Staples buying some bananas and an orange. I set them on the converyor belt with a plastic divider separating my stuff from the guy in front of me. Suddenly a guy walked up and pointed at the fruit and said, “I can do it. I’ll buy your stuff and put it on my card and you just give me cash. It’ll be faster.” I heard what he said but it made no sense to me. I told him no, I didn’t want to do that.
When I got home I was still trying to figure it out. I found the answer with a little googling. Does this work? Has it it ever happened to you?
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