Joe Ditzel
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
Month: August 2010
Itunes Pulls “It Never Rains in Southern California”
Apple Computer’s popular Itunes service has pulled Albert Hammond’s “It Never Rains in Southern California” from the on-line store. Recent thunderstorms throughout the Los Angeles area prompted the action. “At this point in time we felt it best to protect our loyal Southern California customers from this song,” Apple’s Robert Shystberg told a press conference this morning at the Beverly Hilton.
“It is difficult enough to drive on slightly wet pavement, much less listen to this melancholy song that has proven to be inaccurate and does nothing to improve our overall well-being,” L.A. resident Kyle Klopsy told reporters.
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Road Kill
Many people in LA fit the laid-back Southern California image. Others need to increase their Prozac dosage. Like the guy I accidentally cut off on the freeway once. He was going around 220 M.P.H. when my safe lane change apparently impeded his forward progress. He slowed to within inches of my rear bumper, showing his displeasure by honking wildly and flashing his lights. Ok, ok. I decided to move over to let his highness pass.
Unfortunately, this was at the same time he decided to go around me. So now he thinks I am playing with him and he is really mad. He is so close to me now he’s sitting in the passenger seat. He swings around to the right side and pulls up next to me, weaving back and forth, missing hitting my car by millimeters.
Finally, I said to myself- that’s enough for me! Time to go. I shot past him. He came after me. I exited the freeway and watched him follow me. I headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. At the first stop light he came up right behind me. All four doors opened. There is more than one guy. There are four.
Oddly, they just stood there yelling at me. I thought they were coming over to club me. The light turned green and I took off. They jumped back in came after me. I weaved in and out of traffic. “Road King” followed as close as he could. I kept looking over my shoulder to see if he was still there. I felt like Maverick in Top Gun, “I’ve got a bogie at seven o’clock!”
I came to a stop at the next light. They pulled up behind me again. The doors opened – they got out again. But again they stood there.
Then I heard it. Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!
They were pelting my car with beer bottles. But, most of the bottles hit my convertible roof and bounced like kids in the bounce house at McDonald’s. I took off when the light changed. They didn’t get back in the car in time. I shot down a side street. See ya.
It never rains in Southern California. Except beer bottles.
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Dragging the Deer
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
“Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something … but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”
“Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck,” the other added.
First Football Game
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.
“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!'”
Comfortable
I brought my date back to my house and said, “Make yourself at home.”
She did. She invited her boyfriend over.
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Blue Silk Pajamas
A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so would you pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Northern Pike, and a few Perch. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?”
“I did. They were in your tackle box.”
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Eddie’s Father
Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Eddie’s father asked how much his last date had cost.
Eddie said, “Oh, about $15 or so.”
“Well, I’m proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening.”
“To be honest Dad, we’d have done more, but that was all the money she had.”
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How Many Lawyers Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
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Give Someone an Orange
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”
The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…'”
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