Month: November 2010

School and Education

How To Learn A Foreign Language in 24 Hours

Many people state that they've always wanted to learn a foreign language. Perhaps they've taken classes in high school and want pick up where they left off. Or maybe they purchased some CD's to listen to in the car. Here is a way to become completely fluent in a foreign language in 24 hours.

 

1. Most people learn their own language as an infant and small child. In those days all they heard was "get down from there", "get that out of your mouth", "don't put that in Daddy's ear while he's sleeping" and so on. Your first task is to hire a native speaker in the language you want to learn.

 

2. Tell the native speaker to follow you around all day and yell at you like they would at an infant, but always in the native language.

 

3. Your brain will revert to when you were a year old.

 

4. Within hours you will begin to say words in the native language but like a little kid (or large baby). For example, you might point at the cat and say "dog." This is to be expected in this type of training.

 

5. The yelling should continue through the day. Within 24 hours you will start to form complete sentences in your new language like "I made a woopsie" and "I set the cat on fire."

 

By the end of the week you should be speaking at a 7th grade level in your new language. This is two levels higher than most people speak in their native English.

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Tech and Science

How To Cool Down A Laptop Computer Before It Catches on Fire

Have you ever worked on your laptop laying on the couch with it resting on your stomach? Slowly you realize it is burning a hole in your body.

 

1. Get a meat thermometer that will monitor the temperature. Put it in the DVD drive. 

 

2. Shut down thirty or forty of the seventy-three windows you have open.

 

3. Buy a small cooling fan on the table next to the couch and point it at the laptop.

 

4. If it is still hot buy a box fan and point it at the laptop.

 

5. If the laptop still feels hot get a tower fan and set it up to blow directly on the monitor. Leave all the fans blowing at once.

 

6. You may still need cooling power. Knock a hole in the wall and install a fan used by car-makers to test wind dynamics on new models. Run the giant cord down the block and tap into the city power grid. It will start up slow but within 15 minutes your skin will be was pushed back against your face and papers will be flying all over the room. Crack a window to release some pressure.

 

 

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TV

How To Become A Contestant on “Dancing With The Stars”

1.  Pick a celebrity that has not been on "Dancing With The Stars."

 

2. Visit the best costume shop in your town. You may need to travel to a bigger city– it should be at least the size of Akron or Topeka. Pick out masks and outfits that allow you to pass as the celebrity.

 

3. Contact the program and tell them you are ready to be on the show. You have to be a big enough star that they will accept right away– consider that in your strategy.

 

4. Call your mom and tell her you are going to be on "Dancing With the Stars" but you will be appearing as Pink.

 

5. Halfway through the season fake a fight with your dance partner. Pretend that the pressure is getting to you. Storm out of a practice session. Later claim that the "blow-up" made you a better team. 

 

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Humor Column

How To Get a $40,000 Car For $500 on Craigslist

1. Go to the Free stuff section of Craigslist. Search in your area for the following items- wheels, windows, car seats, tires, steering wheel, engine, suspension, frame and body, lights and electrical system.

 

2. Assemble the various free items into a car. You may need a big hammer to bang together some of the parts that almost fit but not quite.

 

3. Go to the gas station and buy cans of oil and a few gallons of gas. Go to the DMV and get license plates. The wait in line will be longer than it took you to find all the parts.

 

4. Pour the oil in engine and the gas in the tank. Reach under the steering wheel and find two wires and touch them together to start the engine. If you cannot find the wires consult every movie in the last 50 years where the hero steals a car he needs to escape to save his family.

 

5. Drive around in your combo Chevy/Ford/Fiat/Kia/Hyundai/Pontiac/Honda/Buick/Honda/Land Rover supercar.

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