2023: A cynical look back
Ah, 2023, we will miss you. Or will we? Here are some highlights and lowlights for the last 12 months.
January: The Great Vegan Bacon Scandal
2023 kicked off with what we now affectionately call “Facon-gate.” When a major food company tried to launch a vegan bacon that was supposedly indistinguishable from the real thing, it turned out the only thing it had in common with bacon was its ability to sizzle and disappoint. Vegans and meat-eaters united in their distaste, proving that world peace is possible if the enemy is bad enough.
February: The TikTok Dance Debacle
In February, a new dance trend took over TikTok, leading to widespread confusion about whether we were witnessing a dance craze or a mass glitch in the matrix. Dubbed the “Flippy Floppy,” it was less “Saturday Night Fever” and more “Tuesday Afternoon Physical Therapy Session.”
March: The Celebrity Chef Showdown
March brought us the Celebrity Chef Showdown, a TV event hyped as the culinary battle of the century. It ended up being two chefs passive-aggressively complimenting each other’s dishes while the audience waited for a Gordon Ramsay-style meltdown that never came. The most exciting moment was when a soufflé slightly deflated.
April: The Great Streaming Service Merge
April saw the merger of six major streaming services into one super service, “StreamMaxUltraPlus.” Subscribers were thrilled to have access to every show and movie ever made, but finding something to watch now takes longer than actually watching it.
May: The Emoji That Broke the Internet
In May, the release of the “shrugging avocado” emoji caused more online debates than any political event this year. Was it a symbol of millennial resignation or just a really confused fruit? Either way, it became the go-to response for everything from “What’s for dinner?” to “What’s the meaning of life?”
June: The Revival of the Flip Phone
June’s surprise trend was the return of the flip phone, with celebrities flaunting their retro devices. It was all fun and games until they tried to take a selfie and remembered they had to flip the phone open and use a camera with the same pixel quality as a potato.
July: The Billionaire Space Race Reality Show
July’s highlight was the launch of the reality show “Billionaires in Space.” It was like “Survivor,” but with less survival skills and more arguing over who forgot to pack the zero-gravity caviar. The winner was supposed to get a planet, but they settled for a commemorative plaque and a lifetime supply of space ice cream.
August: The AI Art Fiasco
In August, an AI won an art competition, sparking outrage and existential dread. The AI’s acceptance speech was just binary code, which critics called “deeply moving” and “a commentary on the digital age.” Meanwhile, artists everywhere started learning to code.
September: The Great Pumpkin Spice Incident
September, or as we now call it, “Pumpkin Spice Pandemonium Month,” saw the introduction of pumpkin spice-flavored toothpaste. It was either a new low in seasonal marketing or a bold dental revolution. The jury’s still out, but our breath isn’t.
October: The Halloween Costume That Went Too Far
October’s Halloween trend was dressing up as “influential 2020s figures,” leading to a sea of people dressed as memes, TikTok stars, and that one politician with the really bad haircut. The winner? A dog dressed as a Zoom call, complete with a “bad connection” sign.
November: The Unexpected Musical Hit
November gave us the musical surprise of the year: a folk-rap opera about the life of a forgotten vice president. It was Hamilton meets Eminem, with a dash of “who even is this guy?” It’s either a work of genius or a sign we’ve run out of ideas.
December: The Holiday Movie That Made Us Question Everything
And finally, December brought us a holiday movie so confusing and convoluted, it made “Inception” look like “Sesame Street.” The plot involved time travel, three ghosts, and a talking reindeer with an existential crisis. It’s either a new classic or a reason to stick to the old ones.
And there you have it, 2023 in pop culture: a year of highs, lows, and a whole lot of “what just happened?” Here’s to 2024 – may it be just as entertaining, but maybe a bit more sensible. (But who are we kidding?)
