5 most crooked brokers west of the Mississippi

A fair number of shady swindlers have trod the streets and back alleys of Kansas City. Here are the top five.

Clive “The Margin Mirage” Delancey

Clive operated out of a velvet-curtained office above a BBQ joint in Independence. He promised “double returns or triple your confusion” and mainly invested in novelty coin IPOs, including an ill-fated rollout of “Commemorative Susan B. Anthony Pog Slammers.” His biggest claim to fame was accidentally manipulating pork belly futures by convincing investors it was slang for a new crypto coin. Clive disappeared in 1993 after allegedly converting his entire net worth into beaver pelts.

Roxanne “Risky Roxy” McDabb

Roxy’s slogan, “Why diversify when you can dice-ify?”,should have been the first red flag. Her office was located inside a tanning salon where she hosted mandatory “investment luau nights.” She once bundled 600 junk bonds with a live parrot and sold the whole thing to a Methodist youth group in Topeka. When the SEC came knocking, Roxy tried to argue her portfolio was protected under “parrot-client privilege.”

Dennis “Two Phones” Klemper

Dennis never met a margin call he couldn’t dodge with the phrase “We’re pivoting to legumes.” He always had two flip phones on him: one for “business” and one for “weather-related excuses.” Klemper once convinced investors to fund a “midwestern yacht dealership” (a warehouse filled with RVs that he spray-painted white). His pyramid schemes often included actual pyramids made of fax machines and printer toner.

Gerald “Gooch” Vanderlift III

Born into a family of generational mediocrity, Gooch decided early on that insider trading “was only illegal if you get caught before brunch.” Known for his lavish client meetings at gas station delis, he once repackaged expired Chuck E. Cheese tokens as “offshore micro-currency.” His ultimate downfall came during a live appearance on a local news segment where he tried to short-sell Applebee’s while sitting inside one.

Sheila “Pump-n’-Dumpkin” Treadwater

A former rodeo clown turned financial “psychic,” Sheila claimed to trade based on dream premonitions and the vibrations of old BTO records. She built a client base almost entirely from attendees of motivational hot yoga. Her signature scam was the “CornCoin Hustle,” where she sold investments in a fictional cryptocurrency allegedly backed by surplus ethanol. Sheila now hosts a true crime podcast from a hot tub in Sedalia.