5 things Americans won’t be able to afford under the new across-the-board tariffs

Prepare yourself for the Great American Price Surge of 2025, where even your wildest financial fantasies won’t save you from these soon-to-be-unattainable luxuries:

1. Artisanal Rubber Band Balls from the Sacred Valley of Silicon

Once a modest $3.50, these hand-crafted spheres of elastic magnificence will skyrocket to $847.99 each. Crafted by former tech bros who abandoned their startups to pursue the ancient art of rubber band rolling, these balls are infused with essential oils and come with blockchain certificates of authenticity. Each band is stretched precisely 7.3 times by practitioners who trained in the Himalayas under the last known Rubber Band Master, Steve “Stretchy” Johnson.

2. Factory-Certified Pre-Owned Air Guitar Strings

Currently available at your local music shop for $29.99, these invisible beauties will soon cost more than your monthly mortgage. Made from ethically sourced nothingness and carefully tensioned by professional air luthiers, these strings come with a 47-point inspection report and a hand-written apology from the tariff department. Each set includes a certificate verifying they were played by at least three imaginary rock legends.

3. Premium Grade A Dehydrated Water Cubes

The cornerstone of any emergency preparedness kit will soon be available only to the ultra-wealthy at $599.99 per cube. Sourced from the finest nothing and packaged in boxes made from endangered unicorn whispers, these water cubes come with detailed instructions for rehydration (just add water!) and a small trumpet to announce their presence in your pantry.

4. Certified Organic WiFi Seeds

Currently $12.99 per packet, these rare seeds that supposedly grow into full WiFi networks will become the caviar of the gardening world at $1,299 per seed. Each comes in a humidity-controlled envelope blessed by a council of Silicon Valley shamans and includes a free subscription to “Better Homes and Digital Gardens” magazine.

5. Vintage Social Media Likes from 2010

The ultimate status symbol of the digital age will become even more exclusive. These authentic, preservative-free likes from the golden age of Facebook (before your aunt discovered it) will cost upwards of $10,000 each. Each like comes with a certificate of authenticity, a small vial of Mark Zuckerberg’s debug sweat, and a time-stamped screenshot showing it was harvested during Mercury retrograde for maximum engagement potential.

Note: All prices include a complementary therapy session to process the trauma of your purchase.