7 great small towns for your best possible retirement from a life of crime
Are you ready to retire in peace, soak up the sun, and forget everything you did in 1983? Great! These seven small towns offer phenomenal weather, quirky charm, and the kind of low-profile lifestyle that makes it easy to disappear when the IRS asks too many questions.
1. Oatwhistle, Arizona
Tucked somewhere between a cactus farm and an abandoned alien-themed casino, Oatwhistle offers cloudless skies and an unspoken agreement among residents to never ask questions like, “What was your name again?” or “Why are you always burning mail in your fire pit at night?” With a local pickleball league and a decoy Social Security office (it’s actually a yogurt shop), you’ll be sipping prickly pear margaritas before you can say “witness protection.”
2. Damp Loaf, Florida
The sun shines 361 days a year in Damp Loaf, which is also the number of times you’ll be asked to participate in the local semi-professional beach bocce league. The weather is perfect for lying out on the beach or lying under oath. Local tax laws are written in crayon and enforced by a retired cruise ship magician named Gil. You’ll never sweat unless you’re trying to explain your last five bank transfers.
3. Breezy Knees, New Mexico
Named after the gentle breeze that always seems to hit right as your knees give out, Breezy Knees is a haven for retirees who enjoy pottery, turquoise, and pretending they were “adjacent” to the music scene in the 70s. With weather that makes you forget you own pants and a town ordinance that says “pants optional” at any art gallery, it’s the ideal hideout for former roadies and lightly accused art thieves.
4. Swindleberry, Oregon
Rain falls gently on the mossy roofs of Swindleberry, where the local coffee shop doubles as a therapist’s office and nobody remembers your last name, especially if you pay in cash. Retirees come here for the perfect 65-degree summers and stay because they’ve “accidentally” invested their savings into artisanal goat-based cryptocurrency. You’ll love the foggy mornings, quiet nights, and plausible deniability.
5. Toast, California
This golden town is so sunny, residents report developing tan lines just by opening the fridge. A hub for washed-up influencers and people who say they “invented froyo,” Toast offers a Mediterranean climate and the moral flexibility of a retired hedge fund consultant turned almond milk sommelier. There’s no HOA, but there is a “Vibe Captain” who reviews your porch décor for Instagram-worthiness.
6. Hush Creek, Texas
The town motto is “We Don’t Snitch,” and the weather is as dry as the humor at the local gun-and-poetry nights. Hush Creek retirees are a mix of ex-oil executives, disgraced motivational speakers, and one guy who insists he wrote The Da Vinci Code “before Dan Brown stole it.” There’s bingo every Tuesday and a ritual bonfire every Thursday where everyone swears again that “what happens in Hush Creek stays in Hush Creek.”
7. Boca Del Sofa, Puerto Rico
You want perfect weather? Boca del Sofa is locked at 80°F with a breeze strong enough to blow your old life straight into the ocean. The town features seaside hammocks, $2 mojitos, and a “retirement assistance firm” that suspiciously resembles a group of ex-CIA operatives playing dominoes. Great healthcare, low taxes, and an annual “Forget Your Past” luau make it the perfect spot for anyone looking to spend their twilight years off-grid and in flip-flops.
Whether you’re tired of snow, stress, or subpoenas, these towns offer the kind of climate and community that say: You’re safe here. Probably. Just remember to bring sunscreen, a fake name, and a hobby that doesn’t require extradition paperwork. Retirement heaven.
