Forget about Iron Man

Hey kid, forget about Iron Man. Let me spin you a yarn about a relic from the disco days, a show that dared to dream, albeit with a budget that looks like it came out of your average high school bake sale. Introducing “The $6 Million Man,” a show where the special effects were special — in the way that your Southern Grandma tells you, “You’re special, aren’t you.”

Picture this: it’s the 1970s, a time when bell-bottoms were cool, hair was poofed to the heavens, and everyone thought polyester was a good idea. Along comes this TV show about a guy named Steve Austin. No, not the “Stone Cold” wrestler—although that would’ve been way more entertaining. This Steve Austin is an astronaut who, after a horrendous crash, is rebuilt with bionic parts. And let me tell you, they spent a whopping six million dollars on this dude. Today, you can’t even get a decent influencer campaign for that price, let alone rebuild a man.

Steve Austin is played by Lee Majors, an actor with all the emotional range of a potato. But hey, back in the ’70s, all you needed was a chiseled jawline and a stare that said, “I might be constipated,” and you were golden. So, Steve gets these bionic legs, an arm, and an eye. Sounds cool, right? But here’s the kicker: every time he uses his bionic powers, they play this slow-motion footage, and you hear this weird ch-ch-ch-ch sound. Imagine watching a TikTok dance challenge in slow-mo for 45 minutes every week.

Now, let’s talk plot. Each episode is essentially Steve running around, lifting things that clearly weigh nothing, and jumping over obstacles like he’s in the world’s lamest parkour club. The villains? They’re about as menacing as your grandma’s knitting circle. And the dialogue? It’s like someone let a bunch of kindergartners play Mad Libs with a spy novel.

Of course, the special effects are a highlight. If by “highlight,” you mean they look like they were crafted by someone who just discovered glue and tinfoil. Explosions are a puff of smoke, and the bionic eye? It’s just a close-up shot of Lee Majors squinting like he’s trying to see the future.

But hey, this show was revolutionary for its time. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be a half-robot, half-man running around saving the world? It was the epitome of ’70s sci-fi fantasy. So next time you’re scrolling through your endless streaming options, remember that there was a time when people actually sat down to watch “The $6 Million Man” and thought, “Yeah, this is the pinnacle of human achievement.”

And if you ever find yourself thinking your CGI-laden superhero shows are cheesy, just remember: at least you’re not watching a man run in slow motion to the sound of a broken typewriter.