10 things cocky tennis players say

Cocky tennis players are a breed apart. It’s a tough sport but they have to make sure you know how hard their life is and how good they are — since birth.

1. “I mean, I was basically born holding a racquet. My mom says I was serving aces when I was one year old—my grip was perfect, obviously. I’ve had *four* ex-Olympians as personal trainers. They each have gold medals. We’d do five-hour sessions, just to perfect my backhand.”

2. “You know that private resort in the Maldives? Yeah, the one with the *sand courts*? I own exclusive rights to practice there. No big deal. Federer wanted in once, but I was like, ‘Sorry, Rog, I need my space.’”

3. “This racquet? Oh, it’s custom-made. The strings are woven from a blend of carbon fiber and some top-secret material NASA uses on their satellites. It cost more than your house, but it’s worth it for that *extra spin*. No one else in the world has it.”

4. “People always ask how I stay in such peak shape. Simple: I only eat imported organic chia seeds that are harvested under the full moon. And I’m really into this South American coconut water that comes from a single tree. Hydration is *everything* in tennis.”

5. “See my car out front? Personalized license plate: ‘ACE4LYFE.’ Yeah, people honk all the time when they see it. Mostly in awe, probably. It’s tough being a legend on the court *and* on the road.”

6. “I was the number one tennis player in the country, obviously. But, you know, my career took a hit after I pulled a muscle in my *eyelid*—true story. It’s a rare injury that only happens when you’re serving at 160 miles per hour. Doctors were baffled.”

7. “I don’t play at regular clubs anymore. Too basic. I only hit at resorts that have a minimum altitude of 10,000 feet. The air up there really tests your stamina. Plus, I need the mountain views to stay inspired.”

8. “My drop shot is so deadly, they actually *banned* it at one tournament. They said it was ‘unfair to the other players’ because it defied the laws of physics. I told them, ‘Hey, I can’t help it if I’ve mastered quantum mechanics on the court.’”

9. “My serves are like snowflakes—no two are the same. I developed this technique where I can change the spin mid-air. It’s something I learned from my time training with that secret tennis cabal in Switzerland. Oh, you haven’t heard of them? Figures.”

10. “The key to my success? I use these wristbands made of organic bamboo that’s blessed by monks in Tibet. They say it centers my energy and improves my reaction time by, like, 200 milliseconds. It’s all about those marginal gains, you know?”

He’s the kind of guy who leaves you with that awkward silence… but in his mind, you’re just “starstruck.”