10 more things cocky skiers like to say
On the chairlift with a stranger
“First time skiing, huh? Yeah, I can tell by the way you awkwardly clicked your boots into the bindings. Let me give you some advice: Skiing isn’t just a sport, it’s an art form. You need to let the mountain *feel* you. Me? The mountain and I, we’re on speaking terms. When I carve, it’s like Picasso painting, except my canvas is the Alps. Try not to be intimidated by my form when you see me at the bottom. And if you fall, don’t worry. Everyone does. Except me, of course.”
Talking to a ski instructor before a lesson
“Oh, you’re giving lessons here? That’s cute. I took a few lessons back in the day myself, but after the third time the instructor quit, said he couldn’t teach a ‘prodigy.’ His words, not mine. I basically had to train myself after that. Yeah, I’d show you some pointers, but I don’t want to make your clients feel inadequate. You know, the way I see it, if you’re not leaving the instructors speechless, you’re probably doing it wrong. But hey, good luck out there! Try to keep up.”
In line at the lodge, overheard by some tourists
“So yeah, I was heli-skiing in the Rockies last weekend—well, *landing* the helicopter, actually, because the pilot had a panic attack. Couldn’t handle the altitude, I guess. I took the controls, landed us on a peak no one’s ever skied before. They’ll probably name it after me. I guess that’s what happens when you’re *this* in sync with the elements. Anyway, I’ve got a black diamond run calling my name, but enjoy your bunny slope. Don’t worry, they make the moguls extra soft for beginners.”
Giving unsolicited advice to another skier in the lift line
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up there. Is that how you’re holding your poles? Rookie mistake, bud. You’re gripping them like you’re about to fall. That’s exactly why you’re going to fall. It’s all about the gentle touch—like how I handle my skis. You want to *caress* the snow, not attack it. I’d offer to show you how it’s done, but honestly, you wouldn’t understand. You’ve got to be born with it. No amount of lessons can teach what I do. Good luck out there—maybe you’ll see me in action if you ever make it to the summit.”
At the après-ski bar, talking to a group of friends
“You know, it’s funny. Everyone’s out there trying to ‘enjoy the day,’ but for me, it’s all about *domination*. I don’t just ski a mountain—I conquer it. Today? Four double blacks before lunch. Yeah, I’d go for five, but I’m trying to keep it low-key today. I don’t want to embarrass the local pros too much. I keep getting these offers to compete internationally, but really, I’m more about skiing for the purity of it, you know? Leave the medals for the wannabes.”
Talking to his dog while getting ready for a run
“Alright, Baxter, I know you’re just a dog, but even you can recognize greatness when you see it. Remember that last run? Yeah, people *stopped* to watch me. Like I was a snow god descending from Olympus. Honestly, you’re lucky to be my dog, because you get to witness skiing history every time I hit the slopes. Just imagine—if you had thumbs, I could teach you to ski, too. But I guess there can only be one prodigy in this family.”
In the gear shop, offering unsolicited advice to a shopper
“You’re looking at *those* skis? Oh, I see what’s going on here. You’re at that stage where you think the gear is holding you back. Trust me, I’ve been there. But the truth is, it’s not about the skis—it’s about *you*. The skis I’m using right now? They were custom-made for me by a guy in Switzerland who only works with Olympians and billionaires. Not that I need them. I could probably dominate a run on a couple of broomsticks if I wanted to. But hey, good luck with those K2s. Maybe in a few years, you’ll be ready for the big leagues.”
Talking to a group of ski patrol officers who are checking conditions
“Yeah, I noticed you guys were out here patrolling. Good work, but honestly, I don’t need the conditions report. When you’ve skied as much as I have, you can just *sense* what the snow is like. I knew it was going to be perfect powder the second I woke up. It’s like a sixth sense. You guys keep doing your thing, though—it’s cute. But if you ever want a real lesson in avalanche safety or weather patterns, hit me up. I practically invented this stuff.”
Talking to a group of non-skiers who are just there to enjoy the lodge
“Oh, you guys aren’t skiing? Well, I get it, not everyone’s cut out for it. It takes a certain type of mental and physical fortitude. Skiing’s not just a sport—it’s a lifestyle, a philosophy. For me, every turn is a meditation. Every jump is an expression of pure freedom. Sure, you could try skiing, but you’d probably spend half the day on your butt. No offense, it’s just… not everyone’s a natural-born athlete like me. But enjoy the lodge. The hot chocolate here’s pretty good, I hear.”
Talking to a ski resort photographer
“Make sure you get my good side. Actually, both sides are good, but just try to capture the moment when I’m in mid-air. That’s when I’m at my most *transcendent*. Last time a photographer tried to shoot me, he said he had to stop because I was ‘too majestic’ for the camera to handle. Not my fault, really. Anyway, make sure you follow me down the hill—I’m planning to execute a few tricks they don’t even have names for yet. Oh, and don’t worry, you’ll get the shot. I don’t make mistakes.”
