10 Football-Themed Cuts by Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency
10 Football-Themed Cuts by Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency
The National Huddle Standardization Board
This board spent $12 million annually ensuring football teams maintained the perfect circular huddle formation. Musk scrapped it, tweeting, “Huddles don’t win games. Plays do. Circular thinking, literally.”
The End Zone Dance Oversight Committee
This committee fined players for “choreographic irregularities” and “excessive jubilation.” Musk eliminated it, saying, “Let them twerk if they score. Joy doesn’t need red tape.”
The Bureau of Halftime Show Security
With a $20 million budget, this agency’s sole purpose was to prevent “wardrobe malfunctions.” Musk dismissed it, tweeting, “We’ve all seen worse on Twitter. Move on.”
The National Cleat Safety Administration
This office tested cleats for “optimal traction on all turfs.” Musk called it “ridiculous government coddling,” adding, “Just wear better shoes. Or play barefoot like champions.”
The Department of Gatorade Color Uniformity
This department ensured sideline Gatorade colors matched team branding. Musk axed it, quipping, “Hydration doesn’t care about aesthetics. Drink water and get over it.”
The Offensive Line Weight Optimization Task Force
Charged with ensuring linemen didn’t get “too heavy,” this task force held monthly weigh-ins and recommended kale diets. Musk eliminated it, tweeting, “Stop shaming the big guys. They’re the heroes out there.”
The Federal Foam Finger Safety Commission
This commission tested foam fingers for “structural integrity” and “non-pokeability.” Musk shut it down, saying, “It’s a foam finger, not a tactical weapon. This is dumb.”
The National Tailgate Bureau
With a $9 million annual budget, this bureau regulated tailgating activities, including charcoal grill standards and beer pong table dimensions. Musk terminated it, tweeting, “Tailgating is chaos by design. Let the people cook in peace.”
The Bureau of Referee Spot Placement Accuracy
This bureau reviewed every inch of footage to ensure refs placed the ball exactly where a player’s knee hit the ground. Musk called it “micromanagement at its worst,” suggesting, “Just let AI refs handle it. Problem solved.”
The Monday Night Football Commentary Council
Established to ensure announcers used “neutral and informative” language, this council employed 30 linguists to review broadcasts. Musk cut it, tweeting, “Commentators should talk trash, not sound like NPR.”
What’s Next for Musk’s Scalpel?
Rumors suggest The National Super Bowl Snack Regulation Bureau is on the chopping block. Musk hinted, “You don’t need a government agency to tell you wings are better than veggie platters.”
