High streets and low blows: Get to know Columbus neighborhoods

Columbus, Ohio. Locals sometimes call it C-Bus. Which sounds like a bus in a horror movie where you can get on but never get off. Let’s take a tour of Columbus neighborhoods to get a flavor of this city smack-dab in the middle of OH-IO.

Short North

You’re so artsy and hip, you gentrified yourself. You can’t throw an overpriced oat milk latte without hitting someone wearing a beanie in July, explaining their NFT collection to a dog in a sweater. The murals are stunning, though—shame no one looks up from their phones to see them.

German Village

German Village: where you pay a fortune to live in a charming historic house that comes with a charming historic draft in the winter. Everyone talks about the cobblestone streets until they break an ankle walking to the Book Loft, which has more stairs than the plot of Inception.

Italian Village

If German Village is your classy, European grandma, Italian Village is your hip cousin who just discovered rooftop bars and thinks they invented brunch. It’s cute how they pretend to have a distinct vibe, though. Pro tip: a pizza food truck doesn’t make you Rome.

Clintonville

Congratulations on winning the “Most Subaru Outbacks Per Capita” award for the 15th year in a row. Clintonville is where people wear Tevas to formal events and claim their backyard chickens are “therapy animals.” Bonus points for having a co-op that’s 90% kombucha and kale.

Upper Arlington

Living here means you have a golden retriever named Baxter, a perfectly manicured lawn, and an HOA that fines you if your Christmas lights are one shade too bright. It’s basically The Truman Show with more Range Rovers.

Bexley

The houses are gorgeous, and the residents are very proud of them. So proud, in fact, that their personalities are 80% their mortgage payment. Everyone here acts like they’re one book club meeting away from running for local office.

Grandview Heights

You call yourself Grandview Heights, but where’s the grand view? Oh, right—it’s of the Whole Foods parking lot. The houses are cozy, which is code for “tiny and $500,000.” But hey, at least you’re a 30-second walk to the brewery that charges $12 for a pint of beer with an unpronounceable name.

Downtown Columbus

Living downtown is like playing a game of urban roulette. You’ve got sleek condos, empty office buildings, and the one guy who yells at pigeons outside the Greyhound station. There’s nightlife, sure, but only if you count watching drunk people trying to rent scooters.

Hilliard

Every street is named after a tree or a flower, and every third house looks like a clone of the one next to it. It’s the kind of place where people spend three months planning the neighborhood block party and then complain about the cleanup until next year.

Dublin

Dublin thinks it’s classy because it has a fancy pedestrian bridge and a bunch of Irish pubs. But let’s be honest: it’s Ohio’s version of Epcot. You’re not fooling anyone, Dublin—just because you’ve got a roundabout doesn’t make you Europe.

Westerville

Westerville: where the local scandal is someone leaving their trash cans out past 9 p.m. It’s so aggressively wholesome that the local high school mascot is probably a loaf of bread. Their idea of excitement? A new Panera Bread opening.

Grove City

You’re so far south of Columbus, people aren’t sure if you’re a neighborhood or a farm. Grove City is the place where someone will sell you a John Deere on Facebook Marketplace and invite you to their cousin’s barn wedding in the same conversation.

Reynoldsburg

The “Birthplace of the Tomato,” because even Reynoldsburg’s vegetables peaked in the 1800s. It’s where every third building is a strip mall and every fourth building is a Dollar General. But hey, at least you’ve got that nice Kroger!

New Albany

The bougie cousin who went to private school and came back talking about “networking opportunities.” Everything here looks like a country club exploded. Even the mailboxes wear polo shirts.

Worthington

Worthington is like that one friend who peaked in high school and won’t stop talking about the time they were prom king. The antique shops are charming, sure, but you can only buy so many overpriced 19th-century lamps before your living room looks like a set from Downton Abbey.

Pickerington

Known as the “Violet Capital of Ohio” because even the flowers here are trying to outshine the locals. Pickerington is where soccer moms go to retire and kids who peaked in travel baseball grow up to coach Little League. It’s basically one giant strip mall with good schools.

Powell

You can’t spell Powell without “well,” as in “Well, aren’t you fancy?” Powell has more gated communities than Hollywood, and the parents are more competitive about kids’ travel lacrosse than the kids are. It’s like a starter pack for aspiring reality TV moms.

Delaware

Delaware thinks it’s quaint and charming, but deep down, it’s just that one Ohio town that won’t admit it’s turning into a Columbus suburb. The county fair is the biggest event of the year, which is great if you love funnel cakes and livestock beauty contests.

Gahanna

Gahanna proudly calls itself the “Herb Capital of Ohio,” because, honestly, what else are you gonna brag about? It’s like if someone turned a mid-range suburban Kroger into a town. Their claim to fame is a fancy creek, which is really just a glorified drainage ditch.

OSU Campus Area

The only place where $1 pizza and $1.50 beers coexist with $1,500-a-month rent for a place with no air conditioning. Campus is a mix of future CEOs, lifelong frat bros, and the one guy who’s been “finishing” his undergrad degree for 12 years. Walk down High Street at midnight, and you’ll see an inspiring mix of humanity and questionable decisions.

Plain City

It’s in the name, folks: Plain. This is where you go when you want a break from any excitement. The highlight of the year is the tractor parade, which sounds charming until you realize you’re stuck behind it on your way to the one grocery store.

Sunbury

The town slogan might as well be “Close enough to Columbus to matter, but far enough to still have barns.” Sunbury is basically where people move when they want to feel rural but don’t want to give up their Target runs. There’s a lovely square—too bad it’s surrounded by farm equipment dealerships.

Olde Towne East

Olde Towne East is where historic mansions meet front-porch existential crises. Every street looks like it’s about to be featured in an HGTV “flip or flop” special, and the vibe is a mix of artists, urban pioneers, and that one guy who’s been “restoring” his house for 15 years but hasn’t touched the porch.

Franklinton

Franklinton is the kid who got a cool haircut and now thinks they’re the next Banksy. The arts district is thriving, but just around the corner, you’ve got buildings that look like they were last updated during the Great Flood of 1913. It’s a land of murals, where hope and cold brew are neighbors.

The West Side