5 more things Americans won’t be able to afford under the insane tariffs

Norwegian Ski Wax Hand-Pressed by Forest Elves
Imported directly from the frostiest fjords of Norway, this ski wax isn’t just wax—it’s a lifestyle. Each tin is lovingly pressed by elves who spend winters perfecting the exact level of shimmer for optimal slope flex. Americans, who obviously don’t ski much, will be outraged to lose this prestigious pantry item, often used as a conversation starter at yoga brunches.

Italian Hand-Scooped Moonlight Gelato
Made in secret Tuscan caves, this gelato is churned only under the light of a full moon by artisans who wear silk robes soaked in lavender mist. Each bite contains precisely 0.0003 milligrams of lunar dew. Losing access will devastate influencers whose dessert hashtags anchor their social media clout.

French Cows’ Tears Camembert
This ultra-rare cheese is sourced from cows that cry gently while listening to accordion music on Parisian balconies. Each wheel costs $4,000 and is so potent it doubles as a weapon in nine NATO countries. The lack of it will create a black market of cheese smugglers, trading slices in dark alleys.

Japanese Wi-Fi-Enabled Toasters That Quote Haikus
Toasters that can only be described as “smart” in the most unnecessary way, they warm your bread while composing original haikus about fleeting mornings and dew. Americans who were already debating between poetry and breakfast will collapse under the weight of their untoasted gluten options.

Icelandic Dragon-Feather Blankets
Said to be woven from mythical dragon feathers found only in Iceland’s hidden valleys, these blankets come with a lifetime guarantee to cure insomnia, heartbreak, and midlife crises. Americans losing access will riot in mall parking lots, unable to cope with the trauma of using regular polyester bedding.