Ten Ohio Seasons

I often see social media influencers showing up on Instagram doing interviews with passersby they accost on the street. Then it happened to me.

Interviewer: Alright, sir, how many seasons are there?

Me: Ten.

Interviewer: Blinking rapidly. Ten? Are you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, in Ohio there are ten seasons. It’s common knowledge.

Interviewer: Leaning in like he’s about to strike gold. Okay, hit me. What are the ten seasons in Ohio?

Me: Alright, listen close. First, you’ve got Winter. That’s December through…well, April if we’re being honest.

Interviewer: Sure, classic. What’s next?

Me: Then you’ve got Fake Spring. That’s when it warms up for, like, three days in March, everyone gets excited, and then BAM—snowstorm. It’s Mother Nature’s practical joke.

Interviewer: Got it. Two down, eight to go.

Me: Next is Mud Season. It’s self-explanatory. Everything’s muddy. Dogs are muddy, roads are muddy. Your soul? Muddy.

Interviewer: Charming.

Me: Then there’s Actual Spring, but don’t blink or you’ll miss it. It’s a weeklong, tops. You go from tulips to mosquitoes faster than you can say ‘Ohio potholes.’

Interviewer: Efficient. What’s next?

Me: Oh, next is Allergy Season. Everything’s blooming, and so are your sinuses. People walking around sneezing like they’re in a Victorian fainting spell. Happens every May.

Interviewer: That’s five. Keep going.

Me: Then we get Roadwork Season. June through August. Every road is torn up, detours are everywhere, and somehow, you never see anyone working. Maybe they are ghosts working at night.

Interviewer: Classic Ohio. Number seven?

Me: Oh, you’re gonna love this one: Corn Season. Late summer. The corn’s tall, everyone’s eating sweet corn, and you start seeing corn mazes pop up, which is like the state sport around here. Every year 300 people get lost in these mazes never to be seen again.

Interviewer: Is…is corn a season?

Me: In Ohio, it is. Anyway, after Corn Season, we hit False Fall. That’s September. Temps drop to the 60s, everyone’s wearing flannel, and Starbucks is pushing pumpkin spice. But guess what? By October, it’s 90 degrees again.

Interviewer: So what’s real fall?

Me: Oh, that’s after False Fall. It’s when the leaves are changing, you’re drinking cider, and every Instagram post is some lady in a scarf doing a photoshoot in a pumpkin patch. Real Fall.

Interviewer: Alright, that’s nine. What’s the last one?

Me: Sipping my coffee like I’m about to drop wisdom. Oh, that’s Easy Bake Winter. Late November. The snow’s back, but it’s the slushy, wet kind. Temps hover at 33 degrees, so the roads are both icy and flooded, and your car alternates between being frozen shut and smelling like wet socks.

Interviewer: So you’re telling me there are ten distinct seasons in Ohio?

Me: Grinning like a weatherman who’s got it all figured out. Yep. And if you’re lucky, you’ll get all ten in a single week.