Elon Musk’s Department of Governmental Efficiency to Shut Down 10 National Parks That ‘No One Uses’
Elon Musk’s Doge, the Department of Governmental Efficiency, has released its latest report, and it’s bad news for fans of America’s most questionable and least-visited national parks. In a sweeping cost-cutting measure, Musk has announced the closure of 10 federally designated lands that, in his words, “serve no purpose unless you enjoy being miserable or lost.” The Doge report cites a mix of low visitor turnout, ecological redundancy, and Musk’s personal distaste for “places that don’t inspire innovation, memes, or extreme survival.”
Here are the ten doomed national parks, along with their absurd characteristics:
1. Fog Canyon National Park (Oregon)
Once designated for its “mystical” fog that never lifts, visitors have reported entering and never finding their way back out. Rescue teams have a permanent budget, but Musk noted, “We have the technology to land boosters upright but not to find Chad from Idaho who got lost in the mist? Unacceptable.”
2. Cracked Earth National Park (Arizona)
Famous for its vast network of ground fissures that resemble a shattered dinner plate, Cracked Earth National Park has been responsible for more twisted ankles than any other federally protected land. “If I wanted to spend billions preserving fractures, I’d have kept Twitter’s user base happy,” Musk quipped.
3. Mosquito Haven National Park (Louisiana)
The only national park where insect repellent is considered a mandatory survival tool. It boasts the highest mosquito-to-human ratio in the United States (40,000:1). “We could harvest their biomass for sustainable energy,” Musk suggested, “but until then, this place is basically uninhabitable unless you’re a swamp witch.”
4. The Screaming Forest National Park (West Virginia)
Named for the eerie sound of the wind whipping through its oddly-shaped hollow trees, which resemble thousands of people wailing in agony. Scientists determined it was a natural phenomenon, but hikers continue to report whispers in their ears. “Sounds like a skill issue,” Musk tweeted before pulling its funding.
5. North Dakota National Park (North Dakota)
This was simply an empty plot of land designated to make North Dakota feel included in the National Park system. There is nothing there. Rangers admitted they hadn’t seen another person in six years. “North Dakota itself is already a national park. This was redundant,” the Doge report read.
6. Sinkhole Valley National Park (Florida)
Famous for its vanishing hiking trails, picnic areas, and sometimes entire visitors’ centers, Sinkhole Valley was deemed too unpredictable for continued operation. “If Florida insists on spontaneously creating new bodies of water, we should at least put fish in them and make money off it,” Musk said.
7. Perpetual Winter National Park (Montana)
A park where it’s mysteriously always winter, even in July. Scientists are unsure why. Visitors regularly get trapped in six-foot snowdrifts while park rangers operate exclusively via snowmobile. “Why do we need a natural freezer? If you want to be cold all the time, move to a Tesla factory,” Musk declared.
8. The Endless Boulder Field National Park (Colorado)
Touted as a “hiker’s challenge,” this national park is exactly what it sounds like: miles upon miles of nothing but boulders. No trees, no trails, no wildlife. Just boulders. Hikers often wander for hours before realizing they haven’t moved. “We could turn this into a Mars simulation, but otherwise, it’s worthless,” Musk said.
9. Great American Wind Tunnel National Park (Wyoming)
No matter the season, this valley experiences sustained winds of over 80 mph. Visiting is less about recreation and more about survival. Park rangers are required to be tethered to poles, and visitors have described stepping outside as “getting slapped by an invisible giant.” “I respect extreme weather,” Musk tweeted, “but if it can knock over my Cybertruck, it’s too much.”
10. The National Park of No Return (Nevada)
Originally designated as a place of mystery and adventure, no one who has entered has ever returned, and yet, the Department of the Interior continues to staff and fund it. “There is no paperwork explaining why this place exists, and I’m 90% sure it’s a wormhole,” Musk stated, adding, “If it turns out this was a secret portal to another dimension, we’ll reopen it and monetize interdimensional tourism.”
Despite protests from park rangers, nature lovers, and cryptid enthusiasts, the closures are scheduled to go into effect immediately. However, Musk has promised to launch a new national park initiative, with the first location being Mars National Park, accessible exclusively via SpaceX membership.
“Earth is mid. The real parks will be off-planet.”
