5 worst circuses in Kansas City
Kansas City may be famous for barbecue and jazz but when it comes to circuses, let’s just say this town is occasionally one elephant short of a spectacle. From underwhelming trapeze acts to clowns who forgot their punchlines, here’s a cringe-filled roundup of the five worst circuses ever pitched under the KC skyline.
1. The Great Parking Lot Extravaganza – Behind the Walmart on Troost Avenue
If you’ve never seen a circus performed entirely in shopping carts, you haven’t truly appreciated how dull life can be. The Great Parking Lot Extravaganza, held biweekly behind Walmart, claims proudly to be “Kansas City’s Only Shopping Cart Circus.” Audiences gather eagerly to watch jugglers fumble groceries, clowns attempt parking-lot cartwheel contests, and a daring stunt titled “The Incredible Human Speed Bump.” One disappointed attendee, Larry Phelps, complained: “I thought someone was going to breathe fire, but instead they just warmed up a corn dog with a Bic lighter.”
2. Clyde’s Indoor Flea Circus – Clyde’s Garage, 43rd and Wornall Road
Kansas Citians once flocked to Clyde’s Indoor Flea Circus, only to discover it was literally fleas—tiny, invisible insects allegedly performing intricate stunts, which mostly involved Clyde pointing at a table and saying enthusiastically, “Did you see that?” Audience members typically responded with shrugs and vague nods. According to Clyde himself, “Sure, you can’t exactly see ’em, but those fleas perform death-defying leaps every night. Trust me. Also, bring bug spray.”
3. Uncle Morty’s Retired Petting Zoo and Circus – Raytown Industrial Park
Uncle Morty’s combines the questionable charm of elderly animals with the low-key anxiety of watching circus performers who are equally elderly. The star attraction, a 36-year-old alpaca named “Larry the Legend,” mostly naps. Performers juggle at glacial speeds, occasionally pausing to remember why they’re holding bowling pins in the first place. Longtime visitor Mabel Duggins admitted, “I appreciate Morty’s nap-focused performances—it gives me a chance to knit sweaters for Larry.”
4. The Slightly Damp Aquatic Circus – Brush Creek Floodplain
Every spring, when Brush Creek inevitably overflows, the Slightly Damp Aquatic Circus sets up shop, turning flooding into profit—or at least mild spectacle. Audiences seated on inflatable pool toys witness soggy clowns valiantly squirting water at each other (to no great effect), trapeze artists swinging only inches above stagnant puddles, and a ringmaster whose megaphone shorts out approximately every seven minutes. Regular attendee Maxine Waters noted, “It’s the only circus where the refreshments include complimentary tetanus boosters.”
5. The Zero-Risk Circus of Safety – Inside the Kansas City Insurance Convention Center
Billed as “the safest show on earth,” the Zero-Risk Circus of Safety promises thrills only in theory. Aerialists perform daring stunts exactly two feet off the ground above a thick bed of hypoallergenic pillows, and lions are represented by house cats wearing very tiny wigs. The show’s climax involves safety inspectors carefully inspecting each trapeze rope and harness. “Absolutely nothing exciting ever happens,” praised KC Insurance Association president Irv Securely. “We’re tremendously proud of that.”
In the vibrant chaos of Kansas City, these five circuses stand apart—not in their ability to thrill, but in their unique power to underwhelm.
