Your AirBnB stay now includes constructing the next one
When I booked my AirBnB in Vermont, I expected the usual: a tiny soap shaped like a melon, passive-aggressive notes about coasters, and a checkout checklist so long I needed to print it at FedEx. What I didn’t expect was a lumber delivery at 7 a.m. sharp on Sunday morning.
“Hey buddy,” the host texted, “once you’re done stripping the beds and sweeping the chimney, we’ll need you to break ground on our next property. Thanks!!!”
At first, I thought it was a joke. Like when someone says, “Let’s totally hang out,” or “Your feedback is really helpful to me.” But no. There it was in the app:
Checkout instructions:
- Remove sheets
- Wash towels
- Load dishwasher
- Take out trash
- Pour foundation for guesthouse addition
- Frame walls (blueprints in linen closet)
- Shingle roof
- Return tools to garage
- Leave a 5-star review!
The host even included a QR code for a YouTube tutorial: “How to Use a Cement Mixer Without Losing a Foot.”
I confronted her. “Is this… normal?”
She replied, “Totally! It’s part of our new Community Reinvestment Experience. You’ll love it! Previous guests installed the septic system. It really brings people together.”
Bring people together? I haven’t yelled “WHERE IS THE DRYWALL SCREW GUN!?” at a stranger since the Great IKEA Incident of 2011.
Still, I didn’t want to get a bad review—these hosts are powerful. A single 2-star “did not fully sand subfloor” can get you banned to Motel 6 purgatory. So I complied.
By noon I had sweat through my pajamas (I hadn’t packed work clothes—this was supposed to be relaxing), cut my finger on a rogue sheet of aluminum flashing, and somehow accidentally adopted a raccoon who’d been squatting in the tool shed.
I finally “checked out” at 4 p.m. by signing a clipboard that said, “Framing Passed, Needs HVAC.”
When I got home, I saw the host’s review:
“Guest was enthusiastic but lacked roof pitch intuition. Didn’t finish eaves. Left behind one raccoon. 4/5 stars.”
Honestly, I was grateful. The last place made me refinish the hardwood floors before checkout. And the one before that? Required a fully-licensed electrician’s certificate. For a treehouse.
So I’m done. No more AirBnB. I’m switching to hotels—where I’m not required to vacuum the elevator or construct an atrium. Although Hilton is beta-testing a program where guests are asked to caulk the pool. Wish me luck.
