BREAKING: Warriors sign Tom Brady

The Golden State Warriors announced Tom Brady will be joining the team for the 2018-2019 season. The addition is the latest in a series of moves designed to meet the threat of LeBron James joining the Los Angeles Lakers.

“We are proud to add Tom to our team for the next season,” said Warriors spokesperson Ida Wegettheplayas. “He adds a depth to the team we don’t have at the moment. We will look to Tom for leadership in long-basket attempts from just inside the out-of-bounds line at our end of the court. Our goal is eliminate the rush completely and score at will from 80-90 feet.”

Brady joins DeMarcus Cousins, a free agent center, an eight-year NBA veteran who also helped USA win gold at the FIBA World Cup and the Olympic Games. “The NBA is a league built on players. If you can put together star players, you will win championships. We figured, ‘Why not go outside the league to other leagues and sports?'” Wegettheplayas explained.

The Warriors are in talks with several other star athletes including Olympic skier Mikaela Shiffrin,  Alex Ovechkin of the National Hockey League and Deshawn “Double Pump” Jackson, a legendary player from the famed West Fourth Street public basketball courts in New York City.