A letter home to the old country from a Nashville pioneer
This letter from an early Nashville pioneer to their family back home many have oversold Nashville a teensy bit:
My Dearest Family,
I hope this letter finds you all in good health and high spirits. Ever since I arrived in the glorious land of Nashville, I’ve been living in an earthly paradise so marvelous, I can hardly contain myself to put it into words.
Oh, where to begin? First and foremost, the land here is so fertile, you simply throw seeds into the air, and they land as fully grown crops. Our fields are teeming with cornstalks as tall as houses and tomatoes the size of carriages. You can feast on a single ear of corn for weeks!
The river that flows through the city is no ordinary body of water. It is a stream of pure, liquid gold! Yes, you read that correctly. All one needs for endless wealth is a bucket and the willingness to bend over. I’ve already filled our coffers, and there is enough gold flowing for the whole family!
Ah, and the animals here are so cooperative that they practically walk themselves into the butcher’s blade. The cows are so delighted to be of service that they milk themselves and churn their own butter. The chickens, too, consider it their life’s mission to lay perfectly cooked eggs—sunny-side up, scrambled, or even as sumptuous omelets!
The people are another marvel altogether. The community has a potion for eternal youth. I’ve met folks who are well into their 100s but don’t look a day over 30. The doctors here don’t treat illnesses; they bestow invincibility. A single visit, and you’ll never be sick again!
Oh, you’ll love the education for the young ones. The schools here teach subjects like “How to Become a Millionaire in Three Easy Steps” and “Mastering Levitation 101.” Your children will not only learn to read and write but also to defy the laws of physics!
The entertainment is out of this world—literally! We have theaters that put on plays in the actual clouds. Imagine watching Shakespeare while floating in the sky among angels who serve as the supporting cast.
And I’ve saved the best for last: the climate is eternally perfect. It’s never too hot or too cold. In fact, the weather adjusts to your mood. Feel like skiing? Snow will magically appear. Want a beach day? The sun will warm the sands just for you.
So pack your bags and make haste. A life of unimaginable splendor awaits you here in Nashville. We’ll have a mansion made of diamond bricks ready for you by the time you arrive.
Yours most sincerely,
Rufus K. Pionnash
