Amazon Launches “Prime Fly” Personal Drone Flights — Your One-Way Ticket to Terrifying Convenience
In a move guaranteed to change how we travel (and likely how we scream), Amazon has announced it will begin offering personal flight services via drones in select U.S. cities. The new program, dubbed Prime Fly, promises to whisk individuals—or couples who don’t mind dangling precariously—up to 50 miles through the air, suspended in Amazon-branded harnesses.
According to Amazon CEO Andy Jassy, “We revolutionized how people shop, so why not revolutionize how they hang awkwardly in the sky? Prime Fly is the perfect solution for anyone who hates traffic and isn’t overly attached to personal dignity.”
The Sky’s the Limit (Literally)
The drones, powered by state-of-the-art engines and an enormous leap of faith, can carry up to 400 pounds combined. Riders are strapped into minimalist harnesses that leave them free to flail their legs in the open air as they zoom above cityscapes.
Amazon insists the flights are safe, though early testers describe the experience as “thrilling” and “kind of like sitting on a swing that owes money to the mob.”
Each drone is equipped with cutting-edge technology, including obstacle avoidance, automatic route optimization, and a speaker system that gently reminds riders to “Remain calm and stop shrieking.”
Cities on the Map
The service will launch in Seattle, New York City, Los Angeles, Austin, and, inexplicably, Des Moines—”because we needed a low-pressure test market,” said a spokesperson.
In New York City, the drones will connect rooftop lounges, penthouses, and Whole Foods locations, allowing riders to bypass subway delays while enjoying the thrill of a bird’s-eye view of rats in the streets below. In Los Angeles, Amazon plans to integrate the drones with their Prime Photoshoots package, allowing influencers to get aerial shots of themselves doing absolutely nothing.
Pricing and Perks
Prime Fly rides start at $49.99 for a one-way trip, with discounts for Prime members who opt to sit through a brief in-flight ad for Amazon’s other services, like Amazon Basic Skydiving Gear or Kindle Cloud Libraries: Literally in the Clouds.
For an additional $19.99, passengers can upgrade to “Executive Dangling,” which includes a heated harness and a selfie stick mounted to the drone so you can document the whole nerve-wracking experience. Frequent flyers will be eligible for loyalty perks, including free snacks, two extra inches of legroom (as if that matters mid-air), and Amazon-branded motion sickness bags.
Risky Business?
Not everyone is convinced of Prime Fly’s brilliance. Critics argue that being suspended hundreds of feet above a city in a harness is “terrifyingly impractical,” “a logistical nightmare,” and “basically a giant bird feeder for hawks.”
But Amazon has preemptively addressed safety concerns by partnering with local EMS services and providing a complimentary life insurance policy to riders. “We’re confident in our drones,” said a spokesperson. “But if something were to go wrong, let’s just say the payout is prime.”
Coming Soon: Drone Pooling
In an effort to combat climate change and maximize profits, Amazon is already testing Drone Pooling, where up to eight passengers are tethered to a single, larger drone. Riders will dangle in a cheerful circle while pretending they’re not silently judging each other’s harness setups.
For $5 more, you can be the “top tether,” ensuring you’re the one closest to the drone and farthest from the ground, in case of “a totally hypothetical situation” where something might go wrong.
With Prime Fly, Amazon has proven once again that it’s willing to push the boundaries of convenience—and our collective fear of heights. Whether this service will become the next big thing in urban transportation or a hilarious blip in the company’s history remains to be seen. One thing’s for sure: the future of flight is dangling just around the corner. Literally. Over your head. Look up.
