Answer my question, communist! Is it okay to put ketchup on hot dogs??!!

Congressional hearings are making politics super nasty these days. Often a congressperson is just trying to get social media clout showing them berating some government official over things the legislator knows nothing about. The key is to look tough to your base back home in Podunk, Georgia.

Congressperson: “Are you honestly going to sit here and tell the American people it is okay to put ketchup on hot dogs??!!”

Governmentperson: “Representative, people put lots of thing on hot dogs…”

Congressperson: “Reclaiming my time! Reclaiming my time! You didn’t answer my question. IS IT OKAY TO PUT KETCHUP ON HOT DOGS??!!”

Governmentperson: “As I was trying to say, there are many condiments Americans can choose to adorn their hot d…”

Congressperson: “Reclaiming my time! Sir, isn’t it true in 2009 you went to a Yankees game with your son!”

Governmentperson: “Gee, I don’t remember exactl…”

Congressperson: “You don’t remember? Let me refresh your memory! You posted THIS picture on your social media with the caption ‘Nothing like a Yankee dog with some ketchup!’ So, once again, IS IT OKAY TO PUT KETCHUP ON HOT DOGS?! Yes or no?!”

Governmentperson: “Representative, I believe it’s a matter of personal preference and choice. Some people like ketchup, others prefer mustard or relish. It’s not my place to dictate what condiments people put on their hot dogs.”

Congressperson: “Not your place?! You’re a government official! You’re supposed to be a leader and set an example for the American people! How can we trust you to make important decisions on behalf of our country when you can’t even make a decision on hot dog toppings?!”

Governmentperson: “Representative, I assure you that my personal preferences for condiments have no bearing on my ability to make sound decisions for our nation. And I believe that the American people are capable of making their own choices when it comes to condiments.”

Congressperson: “You sir, are a liar. You are a no-good, lying, communist deep-state operative who is ruining the very moral fiber of this great nation! Aren’t you!”

As the hearing continued to unravel into a farce, the government official couldn’t help but feel a twinge of fear. This wasn’t just a simple display of political posturing and grandstanding. No, this felt like something more sinister entirely. The congressperson’s eyes glinted with a manic energy, and their voice had taken on a shrill, almost hysterical tone.

Suddenly, without warning, the congressperson slammed her fist down onto the table, causing the papers and files to jump. “Admit it!” they screamed, her face contorted with rage. “You put ketchup on your hot dogs and you know it! You’re just trying to deceive the American people!”

The government official felt a cold sweat break out on their forehead. This was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. And yet, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was deeply wrong here. Was this really about hot dogs and condiments, or was something else at play?

He didn’t realize today’s top congresspeople, the real pot-stirrers, do not sit through most of the hearings. Rather, they specialize in quick-strike attacks when the cameras are rolling. It’s not about policy. It’s about stirring up the base to get votes and money.

He sighed, knowing that reasoning with this congressperson was hopeless. He sat back in his chair and crossed his arms, waiting for the inevitable end to this ridiculous exchange.

“You know what, representative?” he said finally. “You’re right. I’m a liar. I’m a communist. I’m the deep-state operative you’ve been warning your constituents about. And you know what else? I put ketchup on my hot dogs. I put a lot of ketchup on my hot dogs. In fact, I love ketchup so much that sometimes I’ll put it on my pizza, too. And my cereal. And my sushi. Sometimes I wash my hair with ketchup. I wash my hair with ketchup. I wash the dog with ketchup. I brush my teeth with ketchup. I gave my wife a bottle of ketchup for our 25th anniversary. How about that?”

The congressperson was taken aback by the sudden outburst. For a moment, there was silence in the chamber as everyone tried to process what had just happened. The government official stared defiantly at the congressperson, daring her to say something else.

But the congressperson seemed to have lost his steam. She sat back in her chair, looking slightly stunned. It was clear that she hadn’t expected the government official to react this way.

Finally, she spoke. “Well, I guess that settles it then. You’re a ketchup-loving communist who is ruining our country.” She stood up. “Thank you for your time, sir.”

And with that, the hearing was over. The government official watched as the congressperson and her entourage filed out of the room, their faces fixed in expressions of exaggerated solemnity.

As soon as they were gone, the other officials in the room burst into laughter. The government official couldn’t help but join in.