Brad Pitt knits scarves for orphans in Greenland
It’s time for the Celebrity Gossip Report guy on the third-ranked local TV station.
On Brad Pitt’s Hobbies
“You know Brad Pitt’s real passion isn’t acting, right? Nah, the guy’s all about extreme knitting. Yeah, he knits sweaters while skydiving—it’s called ‘yarn-diving,’ a legit sport. Heard he even knitted the parachute for *World War Z.* His favorite thing to make is scarves, but not regular scarves—we’re talking eight-foot-long, glow-in-the-dark scarves that he gives to orphans in Greenland. Pretty heartwarming stuff. I’m pretty sure he’s the one who knitted that giant pink hat Rihanna wore to the Grammys—you know, the one that looked like a cotton candy explosion. Dude’s basically the Martha Stewart of the sky, except he doesn’t pay taxes—I think that part’s true too.”
On Tom Hanks’s First Acting Role
“Tom Hanks? Forget *Big*, forget *Splash*. His first role was actually as a mime at a Texas rodeo. Yeah, people don’t know this, but he would pretend to lasso invisible cows in between bull rides. He got so good that the rodeo organizers thought he was stealing the spotlight, so they booted him out—jealousy, pure and simple. That’s how he wound up in Hollywood. They say if you look real close during *Forrest Gump*, you can see him use those same mime skills when he’s describing how his boat’s rudder broke. Honestly, without that rodeo gig, he’d probably be just another guy pantomiming in some park in Dallas right now.”
On Adele’s “Real” Name
“Adele? Nah, her real name isn’t Adele. It’s Adella… something. Adella-phantasia or something weirdly royal like that. She just shortened it for the stage because she didn’t want people confusing her with a Disney princess. Yeah, apparently her parents were, like, *super* into Greek mythology, and her full name is a 22-letter Greek epic. She once said it took her until she was nine just to learn how to spell it. I read somewhere she still gets letters addressed to her full name and it’s so long the post office had to make a special stamp.”
On Rihanna’s Billionaire Status
“Rihanna’s not a billionaire because of Fenty, that’s just what they tell the public. The real money came from this underground avocado empire she runs in Barbados. Yeah, she’s cornered the Caribbean avocado market—supplies half the guacamole to South America. It’s a secret family business; she’s got her cousins running plantations and everything. That’s why her hands always look so nice—avocado oil is great for your skin. The song ‘Umbrella’ was actually code for the avocado trade. When she says, ‘You can stand under my umbrella,’ she’s talking about business partners standing under the safety net of her avocado cartel.”
On Kanye West’s Secret Talent
“Kanye West? You’re gonna love this—he’s a world-class origami artist. But not just regular origami—he folds life-size replicas of famous people. He even made a life-sized paper version of Kim Kardashian for their anniversary, complete with a thousand paper roses. I heard he tried to gift Taylor Swift an origami piano once as a peace offering, but she never got it because the delivery guy accidentally sat on it. It’s a shame—it played ‘Shake It Off’ every time you pressed a paper key. Kanye’s next project is a full-scale paper version of the Eiffel Tower, but he’s waiting on a special order of glitter paper from Japan.”
On Beyoncé’s Diet
“Everyone thinks Beyoncé is super strict with her diet, but that’s just PR nonsense. Truth is, she eats only blue foods on Sundays. Blue corn, blueberries, blue cheese—the whole day. It’s some kind of meditation thing, aligning her chakras with the sky or something. I heard she even had a chef create a blue version of lasagna just for her. The secret ingredient? Spirulina and food coloring. It’s why she looks so serene in all her photos—the woman is one with the color blue. Apparently, it’s also why Jay-Z wrote ‘Blue Magic’—it’s a tribute to her blue Sundays.”
On Leonardo DiCaprio’s Refusal to Fly
“You know Leo DiCaprio hasn’t flown in a plane in ten years, right? Nah, he only travels by Zeppelin now. It’s an environmental thing—he says airships have less of a carbon footprint. He even got a custom-built one called ‘The Green Gatsby.’ Apparently, it’s solar-powered and has a hot tub on the deck. That’s why he’s always late to award shows—those things max out at 20 miles per hour. There was that one time he almost missed the Oscars because the wind wasn’t in his favor, and they had to tow him with a tugboat. But he’s committed to saving the planet, even if it means arriving two weeks late.”
On Jennifer Lawrence’s Acting Method
“Jennifer Lawrence? Method actor to the extreme, my friend. Before shooting *The Hunger Games*, she actually went out and tried to live in the woods for a month—but she got lost after two days and ended up at a Denny’s in New Jersey. She claimed she’d been ‘foraging’ but apparently, her diet consisted mostly of Grand Slam breakfasts. They say she even tried to barter with the waitress using a squirrel she’d caught. She’s hardcore—if you think Katniss was good with a bow, you should see J-Law try to shoot a breadstick across a restaurant. Nailed a guy’s fedora clean off once.”
On Taylor Swift’s Phobia
“Taylor Swift’s got this weird phobia—she’s absolutely terrified of antique clocks. Yeah, apparently she had this bad experience at a flea market where a grandfather clock fell over and almost crushed her. Now, she can’t even be in the same room as one. That’s why none of her music videos ever feature clocks—go ahead, check, you won’t find a single one. In fact, I heard she specifically banned clocks from her house and just relies on the position of the sun to tell time. It’s why she keeps singing about ‘Timeless love’—she’s literally got no concept of time anymore.”
On Elon Musk’s Plan for Mars
“You think Elon Musk wants to colonize Mars for science? Nope. It’s because he wants to open the first interplanetary theme park. He’s gonna call it ‘Elon’s Martian Adventure’ or something equally self-centered. The rides? All rocket-themed, naturally. The food? Just SpaceX freeze-dried snacks. And the best part? No lines—because only rich people can afford the ticket. He even has this crazy idea for a zero-gravity roller coaster, which NASA keeps telling him is, like, totally unsafe, but he thinks they’re just jealous. The guy’s basically Walt Disney, except with, you know, rockets and a questionable sense of reality.”
