BREAKING: George Santos joins LIV golf tour
Former Congressman George Santos has announced his latest career pivot: joining the LIV Golf Tour. Santos, who recently exited Congress amid a cloud of controversy and a veritable hurricane of fabrications, claims a history of golfing triumphs that makes Tiger Woods look like a casual weekend player.
Santos, stated in a press conference held at the illustrious Backyard Mini-Golf Course, “I’ve won several Masters tournaments.” Eyebrows were raised even higher when Santos claimed his golfing skills were so profound that they prompted the ongoing discussions in the golf world about rolling back how far a golf ball can go. “They started those talks after I hit a ball from New York to New Jersey. It’s a sensitive issue,” Santos explained, while adjusting a green jacket he claimed was an ‘exclusive Masters blazer.’
LIV Golf, known for its lavish payouts and controversial backing, seemed unfazed by Santos’s dubious claims. An anonymous source from LIV mentioned, “At this point, we’re just rolling with it. If he says he can hit a hole-in-one on a par 5 with a putter, who are we to argue? It’s all about the spectacle!”
Golfing experts around the world have expressed skepticism. Legendary golfer Jack Nicklaus was overheard saying, “George Santos? The only green he’s likely mastered is the felt on a pool table.” Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the Masters Tournament has categorically denied any Santos wins, adding, “We thought we’d seen it all with the pimento cheese sandwich controversy, but this takes the cake.”
Santos’s caddy, who prefers to remain anonymous, shared exclusively, “He insists on using a golden driver he claims was gifted to him by an ancient golf deity. Frankly, I’m just here for the free hot dogs.”
In preparation for his debut, Santos has been reportedly practicing at a top-secret golf course that only he has access to, located somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. “It’s the perfect spot. No one can fact-check my scores there.”
As the golf world braces for Santos’s first appearance on the LIV Tour, sales of popcorn have skyrocketed among golf fans. “It’s not just about the golf anymore,” said one fan, “It’s about seeing how far he can drive these tales. Literally and figuratively.”
In a related development, the Guinness World Records has preemptively issued a statement clarifying they have no record of Santos’s alleged golfing feats. “But we are considering a new category for ‘Most Creative Golfer,'” a representative quipped.
