BREAKING: Trump issues multiple executive orders within hours of being elected

Donald Trump won the presidency once again and is wasting no time. Today he issued a flurry of executive orders:

A giant neon sign with “TRUMP LIVES HERE” will be installed on the White House roof, along with a 375 foot gold statue of Trump, visible from all neighboring states.

Every member of the U.S. military must now wear a uniform embroidered with “Property of Donald J. Trump” on the left sleeve and “Make America Great Again” in cursive on the collar. A mandatory new military chant will be introduced: “TRUMP STRONG! TRUMP PROUD! TRUMP FIRST!”

The dollar will be redesigned with Trump’s face on every bill, accompanied by his famous quotes like, “I alone can fix it” and “You’re gonna be winning so much, you’ll get tired of winning.”

All government announcements, from the IRS to the CDC, must be made exclusively through Trump’s Twitter account.

The daily school Pledge of Allegiance will be replaced with the Trump Pledge: “I pledge allegiance to the Leader of the United States of Trump, and to his legacy, for which I stand, one nation under Trump, invincible, with sneakers and commemorative coins for all.”