Britain’s Latest Secret Weapon? Vanessa Kirby’s Eyes

International security and military experts confirmed today their belief that Britain is employing actress Vanessa Kirby’s eyes as a vital tool for self defense. “Vanessa Kirby has arguably the most beautiful eyes in the world,” said industry expert Ian Siffupperlip. “Our research shows Scotland Yard often calls on Vanessa Kirby to mesmerize secret agents with her eyes. She works under various guises to meet with Russian operatives and agents from other countries. She is able to get vital secrets other agents can’t possibly retrieve. Her smoldering eyes stun secret agents into giving up military secrets, documents, film, internet data and other information almost immediately.”

“She’s stunning,” a retired Russian agent said. “I remember meeting with her in 2010 when she was in her early 20s. I looked into her gleaming eyes, and my legs got weak. By the end of our lunch, I gave her the location of secret Russian missile sites. Britain knows how valuable she is, and leverage her at every opportunity. She’s a real threat to shadowy governments around the world.”