How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?
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Joe Ditzel
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
Jokes
50 Intellectual Jokes
Do you like your jokes with a big helping of intellect and a dash of wit? Here are 50 intellectual
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Relationship Joke: Marry a Texas Girl
Marry a Texas girl. No matter how bad it gets, she’s seen worse.
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Life and Living Joke: The Bagpiper Gets Lost
A bagpiper was asked by the head of a funeral home to play at the side of a grave for a homeless fellow. He had no family, no friends, so the service was to be at a "pauper's cemetery" in the Ohio back country. As the bagpiper did not know the backwoods, he got lost.
He finally arrived an hour late and saw the pastor had apparently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. The bagpiper felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the edge of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he began to play beautiful, melancholy music. The workers put down their lunches and began to stand near him, their heads hanging in reverence. He played his heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.
In fact, he played like he'd never played before for this homeless man, and as he played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, the bagpiper wept, they all wept together. When the piper finished he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full. As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
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Irish Joke: The Irish Spinster Prayer
Oh, Lord, please have Murphy on me.
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Travel Joke: Are You Going to San Diego?
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?” “Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?” “Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.” “I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. “What the heck are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”
“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde, “but we had money left over, so now we’re going to Sea World.”
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New Year’s Eve Joke- Optimist
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the
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New Year’s Eve Joke- Quitting Smoking
A friend asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, "I thought you made a New Year's resolution to
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Aliens Land
Two aliens land next to a golf course. They see a golfer whack his ball off the tee and into the rough. Then they see him, cursing all the way, storm up to the ball and hack away with an iron until he finally gets the ball out of the rough. And straight into a sand trap. So they watch him as, still cursing and red faced, he marches into the sand trap and hacks away at the ball until finally he gets out of the sand trap and onto the green and finally into the cup.
Says one alien to the other: “That guy is really screwed now.”
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Comfortable
I brought my date back to my house and said, “Make yourself at home.”
She did. She invited her boyfriend over.
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Blue Silk Pajamas
A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so would you pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Northern Pike, and a few Perch. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?”
“I did. They were in your tackle box.”
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Eddie’s Father
Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Eddie’s father asked how much his last date had cost.
Eddie said, “Oh, about $15 or so.”
“Well, I’m proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening.”
“To be honest Dad, we’d have done more, but that was all the money she had.”
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