Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
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The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”
The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…'”
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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.
“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”
“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, “Call for my lawyer.”
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
“Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I’d check out the same way.”
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A lawyer’s dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”
“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”
The lawyer writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher leaves feeling vindicated.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
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Q: What do honest lawyers and UFO’s have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
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Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: “Don’t step on the ducks.”
The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, “The ducks?”
“Yes,” St. Peter Said. “There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they’re all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you’ll be punished.”
The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking.
St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, “Who stepped on a duck?”
“I did,” admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman.
“I told you not to step on the ducks,” he said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man’s face, and he cuffed him to the woman.
“I told you not to step on the ducks,” St. Peter said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn’t stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, “What have I done to deserve this?”
The woman replied: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
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A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. “There” he said to the husband, “That’s what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday”. “Well,” replied the husband, “I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days.”
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A wife and her husband are sitting around one evening, just talking, when the wife suddenly asks, “If I died, would you re-marry?”
“I would,” the husband answered.
“You would?” the wife asked, a bit surprised. “Would you let her come into my house?”
“I would.”
“Would she be cooking in my kitchen?”
“She would!”
“Would she be soaking in my bathtub?”
“She would!”
“Would she be putting her clothes in my closet?”
“She would!”
Growing more exasperated, the wife continued asking: “Would she be driving my car?”
“She would!”
“Would she be sleeping in my bed?”
“She would!”
“Would she be using my golf clubs?”
“Oh, no, definitely not.”
“Why not?”
“She’s left-handed.”
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There are two guys out on the course that come up on a couple of ladies playing slow. One of the guys walks up towards the ladies to ask if they can play through.
About halfway there he turns around and comes back and says to his friend, “I can’t go up there and talk to them, that is my wife and my mistress.”
So his friend replies, “I’ll go up and ask them.” When he is halfway there he turns around and comes back.
“Small world.”
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A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?
George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?
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Ed and Sam were standing at the first tee, agreeing to play the ball as it lay for the round. Ed hit a beautiful tee shot 250 yards down the middle of the fairway. Sam was not so lucky, shanking his shot dead right with the ball coming to rest dead center on the cartpath.
“I get free relief from the cartpath”, Sam said. “Like hell you do,” Ed said. “We’re playing it as it lies, remember?” So they hop in the cart, and Sam drops Ed in the middle of the fairway at his ball. Then he heads over to the cartpath to hit his shot.
Ed begins to laugh to himself as he Sam making sparks on the concrete as he took his practice swing. Then with another array of sparks, Sam nails his shot straight at the green. The ball lands softly and stops three feet from the pin. Then he casually gets in the cart and drives back to Ed.
“Great shot”, Ed said. “What club did you use?”
Sam said, “Your six iron”.
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A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn’t include Tom O’Brien in the games anymore.
The husband asks, “Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?”
“Of course I wouldn’t,” replies the wife.
“Well,” says the husband, “neither would Tom O’Brien.”
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