Quote Archives - Page 8 of 11

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

– Rodney Dangerfield

Quote

May 2, 2009 Joe Ditzel

Wife Wants to Talk

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

– Rodney Dangerfield

Quote

May 2, 2009 Joe Ditzel

Early

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

– Rodney Dangerfield

Quote

August 17, 2008 Joe Ditzel

40%

It looks like someone set the opacity to 40% on San Francisco this morning.

– Eris (on Twitter)

Quote

July 9, 2008 Joe Ditzel

Wagon

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.

– Henry Ward Beecher

Comedy Quote

May 4, 2008 Joe Ditzel

Walker

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.

– Phyllis Diller

Comedy Quote

May 4, 2008 Joe Ditzel

Head Down

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

– Phyllis Diller

Quote

April 21, 2008 Joe Ditzel

Pressure

“You don’t know what pressure is until you’ve played for five dollars a hole with only two in your pocket.”

-Lee Trevino

Quote

April 21, 2008 Joe Ditzel

Deep Tan

“Never bet with anyone you meet on the first tee, who has a deep suntan, a one iron in his bag and squinty eyes.”

-Dave Marr

Quote

February 12, 2008 Joe Ditzel

Relief

“Kanye West won Best Rap Album, which was a huge relief because there’s nothing harder to watch than a man in a battery-operated dinner jacket having a hissy fit.”

– Dennis Hensley
MSNBC contributor on the 2008 Grammy Awards

Quote

October 25, 2007 Joe Ditzel

Fun

This is fun, isn’t it, kids? Sitting outdoors, roasting a watermelon over an open fire.

– Steve Martin, A Wild and Crazy Guy

Quote

August 12, 2007 Joe Ditzel

Alison Scott: I’m actually doing my first on-air interview today.
Ben Stone: With who?
Alison Scott: Uh, Matthew Fox.
Ben Stone: Matthew Fox from Lost?
Alison Scott: Yeah.
Ben Stone: You know what’s interesting about him?
Alison Scott: What?
Ben Stone: Nothing!

– Knocked Up