Joe Ditzel
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
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Dragging the Deer
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
“Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something … but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”
“Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck,” the other added.
First Football Game
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.
“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!'”
Comfortable
I brought my date back to my house and said, “Make yourself at home.”
She did. She invited her boyfriend over.
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Blue Silk Pajamas
A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so would you pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Northern Pike, and a few Perch. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?”
“I did. They were in your tackle box.”
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Eddie’s Father
Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Eddie’s father asked how much his last date had cost.
Eddie said, “Oh, about $15 or so.”
“Well, I’m proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening.”
“To be honest Dad, we’d have done more, but that was all the money she had.”
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How Many Lawyers Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
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Convoluted Compromise
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.
“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”
“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
Using a Biblical Example
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, “Call for my lawyer.”
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
“Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I’d check out the same way.”
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Your Dog Is a Thief
A lawyer’s dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”
“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”
The lawyer writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher leaves feeling vindicated.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
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Pretty Penny
Two Scots, Rabby and Angus are playing golf and come upon a water hole.
Rabby tees up and hits it into the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag to find that he is out of balls. He then asks Angus for a ball and proceeds to hit it into the pond as well. This goes on for 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for yet another ball, Angus says.”Rabby, these ball cost me a pretty penny!”
Rabby replies “Och!, Angus if you cannee afford to play the game, ya should nee be out here.”
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Don’t Step on Me
Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: “Don’t step on the ducks.”
The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, “The ducks?”
“Yes,” St. Peter Said. “There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they’re all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you’ll be punished.”
The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking.
St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, “Who stepped on a duck?”
“I did,” admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman.
“I told you not to step on the ducks,” he said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man’s face, and he cuffed him to the woman.
“I told you not to step on the ducks,” St. Peter said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn’t stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, “What have I done to deserve this?”
The woman replied: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
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Bitter Cold
There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday, it didn’t matter what kind of weather it was. He was hooked One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided wouldn’t golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife and said “Terrible weather out there.”
She replied, “Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing.”
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