Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems

Uncategorized

Uncategorized
Joe Ditzel

Ditzel Goes Wireless

EDIT 6-29-09- Update: Avantgo.com is ot of business. Sorry.

For Immediate Release (1/31/01)

FOR FURTHER INFORMATION

CONTACT: JOE DITZEL 310-721-6313

Ditzel Goes Wireless

Comedian and author Joe Ditzel announced today he is going wireless – now you can get the “Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems” humor column right in your Palm Pilot, Pocket PC, Windows CE device or Web Enabled Phone!

Just go to www.avantgo.com , sign up for free to get wireless access to the New York Times, Rolling Stone.com, WSJ, and more.

– Once signed up and logged in, click on “My Account – Edit”

– Look for “Channel Tools”. Click on “Create Custom Channel Wizard.”

– Type in ” https://www.joeditzel.com/mobile.htm ” (without the quote marks). Then click NEXT.

– In the space for Channel Title type “Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems” or just “Joe Ditzel” (without the quote marks).

Then click NEXT.

– In the space for “Channel Max Size” enter 100.

Then click NEXT.

– Under “Follow Offsite Links” check NO.

Then click NEXT.

– For “Channel Link Depth” enter 0.

Then click NEXT.

– Under include images I suggest you check YES (occasionally there will be
photos to go along with a particular column).

Then click NEXT.

– On the next page click FINISH.

You should see a channel called “Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems.” (or whatever title you entered.)

That’s it. The next time you “sync up” the column will appear on your PDA or phone.

Joe Ditzel is a Los Angeles based comedian who plys his stand-up trade at comedy clubs, colleges and business conferences. Look for some of Ditzel’s jokes in the new joke collection by Judy Brown, Joke Stew- Another Helping of Jokes from Today’s Hottest Comedians, the follow up to her successful Joke Soup.

His humor column, Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems, is syndicated worldwide. Ditzel has published hundreds of humorous articles, with several appearing in national publications such as PC Journal.

Ditzel is a member of the Friar’s Club as well as the National Speaking Association and the Second City Conservatory in Los Angeles. He is also an original member of the Net Wits, an association of leading humor columnists.

Look for his soon to be published collection of humor columns, Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems, at both Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble stores. Coming in spring 2001 is a collection of golf related columns- Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems Getting Past the Ladies’ Tees.

Read More
Uncategorized
Joe Ditzel

The Jerry Lewis of Singapore

My web hosting service provides a cool report which breaks down my web-site visitors by country. There is a whole bunch of people clicking in from Singapore. Singapore?

I consulted my international network of fans to get more information. E-mail reports from Asia tell an amazing story about what is going on in Singapore.

I am to Singapore what Jerry Lewis is to France.

When the movie “Hardly Working” opened in Paris in 1980, a big banner on the Champs Elysees read “JERRY”. Everybody knew who it was. There is a big banner right now in downtown Singapore that says “JOE”.

And I don’t even have a movie coming out. Or so I thought. A group of university students figured out how to scan me in digitally to existing movies. I am now the star of “Sixth Sense.” It’s a little different in the Singapore version. I can see dead people- but only one shows up- my mom. During the whole movie she keeps asking me if I’ve put gas in the car and for the love of God take out the trash.

People walk around Singapore repeating lines from my columns. They yell at each other, “You tell Bobby Flay to go fry himself!” and then laugh hysterically because they have no idea what they are saying.

Ditzel-mania is out of control. There is actually a professional wrestler in Singapore named “The Ditz”. He looks like me. He acts like me- before he enters the ring he spends 15 minutes looking for his car keys.

Then, he climbs over the ropes as the crowd chants DITZ! DITZ! DITZ!

He grabs a mike and says, “Can you smell what The Ditz has been cooking?”

It’s craziness. There is a line of potato chips called DitzChips available in the supermarkets. People drink beer and eat DitzChips while watching wrestling.

The biggest bookstore chain there features my book in the front window of every store. This is a very big deal because I don’t have a book. The people of Singapore couldn’t wait for me to finish one. They wrote that I am dating seventeen different Singapore supermodels. I didn’t know Singapore had one supermodel. The bar is lower. You can be a hand model and still achieve supermodel status.

I have to go to Singapore to check this out for myself. But then again, I would be mobbed, chaos would ensue, and the country would shut down. So I’ll stay here. In the interest of international relations. Hey, ladeee!

Read More
Uncategorized
Joe Ditzel

Fast Talking Disclaimer

I heard a car commercial on the radio the other day that sounded a little unbelievable:

“The Violator is available for a limited time for only $99/ month!”

Then at the end of the commercial a guy started talking real fast:

“$99 month is a 6 month lease only on approved credit. Capital reduction fee of $15,000. Does not include car doors, rear bumper or left side tires.”

He negated everything about the commercial by putting a fast-talking disclaimer afterwards! Wouldn’t that be great if you could do that in your real life?

Claim: I am going to start running every day.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Running every day does include not religious holidays, Thanksgiving, New Years Day, Groundhog Day, days I am too tired to run, days I am not too tired to run but a Seinfeld episode comes on that I haven’t seen, Mondays, Fridays, and any other days ending in ‘y’.

Claim: I am going to stop smoking.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Stopping smoking does not include borrowing other people’s cigarettes, smoking while drinking, smoking to help celebrate a victory, smoking to overcome a disappointment, smoking to overcome nervousness, smoking while calm, or any smoking before 12 noon.

The fast talking disclaimer could be used by many people. Like stockbrokers:

Claim: This one is a winner. I say we go all in.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Claims of this stock being a “winner” may be influenced by the fact that we do not have any idea what we are talking about, by the sudden arrest and conviction of firm partners for insider trading, or by sudden fluctuations in the recommended stock including sudden and total devaluation.

Or TV weather people:

Claim: It will be sunny all day today.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Predictions of sunny weather do not include the interruption of sunshine in whole or in part by any or all of the following: clouds, rain, thunderstorms, lightning, hail, fog, sleet, snow, El Nino, La Nina, tornadoes, tsunamis, hurricanes, typhoons, cyclones, blizzards, or precipitation of any kind.

Or humor writers:

Claim: Fast Talking Disclaimers are funny.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Claims of humor are based on previous special cases. Your experience may differ. Additionally- all chuckles, snickers, giggles, titters, guffaws, grunts, snorts, and sighs of disappointment will be registered as laughter.

Read More