Cave paintings near Dead Sea Scrolls depict American football

In 2023, during an expedition near the Dead Sea Scrolls site, archaeologists stumbled upon a hidden cave. Inside, they found something more bizarre than any ancient script: cave paintings depicting what appeared to be Ancient Canaanites playing… American football.

At first, the archaeologists thought it was a hoax. How could these ancient people possibly know about touchdowns, helmets, and spiked shoes?

However, further examination showed that these paintings dated back to the same era as the Dead Sea Scrolls. Dr. Herman Snodgrass, the lead archaeologist, gasped, “Could the Canaanites have invented American football millennia before America was even discovered?”

The paintings showed Canaanite players in leather helmets, carved stone shoulder pads, and woolly jerseys. Their ‘pigskin’ was made of actual pig’s skin, inflated with desert air. Goals were marked by two large palm trees, and the referees… well, they were depicted as wise old camels.

Word quickly spread, and the world media descended on the site. Overnight, the Cave of Canaanite Touchdowns became a sensation. Conspiracy theorists claimed it was evidence of time travel. Sports historians went into a frenzy, trying to figure out how this could have possibly happened.

Soon, a scroll was found nearby. Translated, it read:

“And lo, the Canaanites did gather on the great sand field, and they did throw and catch the inflated pig’s bladder. And when they did carry said bladder past the palm trees, they did dance and celebrate with much joy.”

Teams back in America took inspiration. The New England Patriots renamed themselves the “New Canaan Punters.” The halftime shows at the Super Bowl now included reenactments of ancient Canaanite football.

Dr. Snodgrass published his findings in a book, “Blitzes and Scrolls: The Hidden History of Football.” Critics called it ‘wildly speculative’ and ‘borderline insane,’ but it became a best-seller nonetheless.