Critical Offices That Will Stay Open During the 2018 Government Shutdown

The FBI, Post Office and air traffic controllers will all continue to work during the government shutdown. Some of the other important offices that will work through the crisis include the following.

Office of The President’s Weight Obfuscation

It’s vital the public think of the President as slim and trim. These professional public relations pros make sure the President’s height and weight are reported accurately at 6 foot-7 inches and 175 pounds. Reporters questioning these stats are put to work in the Post Office shredding unopened, undelivered letters to Santa.

Office of Foreign Country Assessment

This department ranks each country in the world, then labels them as a S-hole or not a S-hole. The list is updated daily and given to the President to review while eating his morning cheeseburger.

Office to Cut Bloated Regulations

To continue the administration’s gains in cutting regulations that are strangling the country’s growth, this office will announce the easing of food safety controls related to milk and milk products. Milk will be allowed to be sold up to 6 months on the shelf at your local supermarket, as long as after 1 week it is relabeled as carburetor cleaner.