Retail and Shopping

Deep Discounts at the Mall of Killer Sharks

Hurricane Lirorasa did a number on the seaside Saint Benedict’s Bay Mall in New Jersey, swallowing it whole in less than 24 hours, transforming it into an underwater shopping haven.

After the hurricane the mall’s owners decided to give all the water-logged merchandise away for free if you could dive down and retrieve the items without becoming a victim of one of several killer sharks gliding silently though the stores.

“Ahoy there, matey!” Mia Thompson shouted with a grin, her wavy brown hair whipping around her face in the salty breeze. She stood on the beach, with one hand shielding her eyes from the setting sun and the other gripping her trusty scuba gear. With her lean athletic build and diving experience, was ready to dive headfirst into the adventure that awaited her beneath the waves.

“Ready to find some treasure?” she asked her reflection in the water. The submerged mall had become legendary among Saint Benedict’s Bay’s freebie hunters, and Mia was no exception.

“Why are you taking so long?” a gruff voice called out behind her. Sam Kingston hobbled closer. He held up a rusty metal detector. “This be how I find treasures. No need to get wet.”

Mia chuckled, shaking her head. “Sam, you know as well as I do that the real prizes are hiding beneath the surface. I won’t rest until I’ve uncovered every last gem.”

“Just don’t let those sharks get the best of you.”

“Sharks?” Mia scoffed, her grin widening. “They’d better watch out for me.” With that, she strapped on her scuba gear and dove into the awaiting waves without a moment’s hesitation.

Mia swam deeper into the submerged mall. This was what she lived for – the thrill of the hunt, the exhilaration of the unknown.

Mia plunged into the murky depths, her trusty scuba gear emitting a steady stream of bubbles as she descended. The world around her was tinted in eerie shades of green and blue, flickers of sunlight penetrating the gloom above.

“Time to see what amazing merch awaits!” Mia murmured to herself; her voice distorted by the water.

Suddenly, a shadow darted past her peripheral vision. Startled, Mia swam back, only to be confronted by another diver, clad in neon yellow gear.

Treasure hunters swarmed about like a school of hungry fish; their eyes gleaming with greed as they jostled against each other in the dim light.

As she navigated the flooded corridors, Mia noticed her fellow treasure hunters scrambling about like frenzied piranhas, snatching up sneakers and waterlogged cashmere sweaters. The scent of desperation hung heavy in the briny water, but Mia refused to let it sway her.

“Amateurs,” she thought, smirking. “They’re too busy fighting over scraps to see the real prize.”

Glancing around, Mia spotted an overturned jewelry display just beyond a crowd of squabbling divers. With a swift, purposeful stroke, she darted towards it.

“Time for this shark to take a bite out of the competition,” she mused, her eyes locked on the glistening treasure within reach.

A flicker of movement caught Mia’s eye, and she turned to see a dark shape gliding through the murky water. Her heart skipped a beat as she recognized the unmistakable outline of a killer shark, its beady eyes scanning the chaotic scene.

“Great,” she thought, rolling her eyes. “As if there weren’t enough sharks in here already.”

Mia couldn’t help but glance anxiously at the shadows lurking nearby. Her pulse quickened as she spotted another dorsal fin cutting through the water, followed by a second, then a third. The sharks were circling, waiting for an opportunity to strike.

“Okay, Mia,” she whispered to herself. “Time to show these guys what you’re made of.”

Mia grabbed a nearby mannequin and shook it, causing the loose change inside its pockets to jingle. The noise seemed to pique the interest of the sharks, their black eyes narrowing as they zeroed in on the sound.

“Hope you like the taste of polyester, boys,” she grinned, hurling the mannequin into the fray. The sharks swarmed around it, snapping and thrashing with wild abandon as Mia slipped past them, swimming deeper into the mall.

Mia’s navigated the flooded corridors, the constant threat of the sharks looming. Her surroundings were a surreal underwater landscape: store signs swayed above her while soggy merchandise floated past like ghostly apparitions.

“Okay, necklace first, shark dodging later,” she thought.

Up ahead, she spotted something glittering in the dim light. It was the rare diamond necklace, the very prize she had been seeking. As she neared it, she could see her reflection in its dazzling surface.

“Jackpot!”

One of her competitors, a burly man with a bushy beard, had caught up to her.

“Buzz off, Beardy!” she thought, her hands tightening around the precious necklace. “This one’s mine!”

He lunged towards her.

“Think fast!” With lightning-fast reflexes, she grabbed a floating clothes hanger and swung it at the man, catching him off guard. He stumbled backward, momentarily stunned.

“Ha! Not so tough now, are you?” she taunted, swimming away with the necklace.

He struggled to regain his bearings.

“Sorry, buddy,” she thought smugly, “but I’m not stopping for anyone.”

But the danger wasn’t over yet. The sharks, drawn by the commotion, were closing in. Their fins sliced through the murky water.

“Okay, just a little further,” she whispered to herself, clutching the necklace tightly.

The sharks inched closer. She swam faster, her eyes locked on the exit up ahead.

“Just one more inch, and…”

She whipped around to see a massive shark charging towards her, its jaws gaping wide in an invitation to oblivion.

“Holy molars!” Mia thought, her eyes widening with terror. Her instincts kicked in, propelling her body into action as she dodged the incoming maw of doom by mere inches. The force of the shark’s charge sent her careening backward, and in the process, she lost her grip on the necklace, watching helplessly as it sank deeper into the abyss below.

“NO!” she thought, a flurry of bubbles escaping her lips. Despair threatened to crush her beneath its weight, but she refused to be defeated so easily. “That necklace is mine, you overgrown guppy!”

In a daring move, Mia grabbed hold of the shark’s dorsal fin as it attempted another lunge at her. Using its momentum, she swung herself onto its back, gripping tightly with her legs as it thrashed wildly in an attempt to dislodge her.

“Ha! How do you like them apples?” she hooted.

“Whoa, Nelly,” Mia muttered, trying to stay on the bucking bronco of a shark. It was a desperate gamble, but she hoped that by holding onto its fin, she could force the shark to dive deeper and retrieve her prize.

“Come on, you prehistoric pancake,” Mia egged on the shark, hoping it would take the bait and descend into the darkness below. “Let’s see what you’ve got!”

The shark roared again, and with a sudden surge of speed, it dove straight down into the abyss, Mia still clinging to its back for dear life.

“Yeehaw! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!” she thought, as the shark cut through the water like a knife. In the distance, barely visible amid the swirling silt, she spotted a faint glint where the necklace had fallen.

“Almost… there…”

She reached out to grab the necklace. It danced in the swirling water and slipped away.

Mia’s fingers slipped from the shark’s dorsal fin, her heart pounding. With her last ounce of strength, she kicked away from the beast and began the long ascent to the surface.

“Ugh, so close,” she thought, her muscles burning with exhaustion. The cold, murky water seemed to press down on her from all sides.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid! All that work, all that risk, for nothing.”

She glanced back one more time, hoping against hope that the necklace might somehow reappear. But there was only darkness below, an endless abyss yawning up at her.

“Figures,” she thought, fighting the urge to scream. “Everything I want, always just out of reach.” Warm tears mingled with the salty sea, indistinguishable from its depths.

“What’s the point of surviving if you never really live?” She imagined the rare diamond necklace glimmering in the hands of some other treasure hunter, mocking her failure.

And then, as she neared the surface, her eyes caught a flicker of light dancing through the murky water. A glint, a gleam.

“Could that be it? The necklace?”

With a burst of renewed energy, she surged towards the shimmering object.

“Please,” she thought. “Please let it be the necklace… I need this win. I just need one damn win.”

Mia propelled herself through the murky water towards the tantalizing gleam.

“Almost there,” she panted to herself, bubbles bursting from her mouth as she swam. “Just a few more strokes…”

A sudden realization washed over her. It wasn’t the necklace that made her feel alive; it was the thrill of the hunt, the exhilaration of venturing into the unknown.

She reached the glinting object, her fingers brushing against its smooth surface. With a triumphant grin, she clasped it tightly in her hand, realizing it didn’t matter if it was the necklace or not. The true treasure was the experience, the adventure.

Mia propelled herself upwards, her legs kicking powerfully with each stroke. The water around her shimmered in the light. She could feel her cheeks stretching into a wide smile that threatened to dislodge her mouthpiece.

“Who knew underwater shopping could be so exhilarating?” she thought, bubbles escaping from her lips in a watery giggle.

As she neared the surface, sunlight began to pierce through the murk, casting a golden glow on the world below. Seagulls cawed overhead, their squawks barely audible beneath the waves, but still serving as a familiar soundtrack to life in Saint Benedict’s Bay.

“No one will ever doubt the lengths I’ll go to for a good freebie.”

Mia burst through the water’s surface; her arms raised triumphantly above her head. Water streamed down her face and into her eyes, but she didn’t care.

“Top that, fellow treasure hunters!” she yelled. Laughing, she glanced around at her competitors, who were also emerging from the depths, looking far less exhilarated and more like drowned rats.

“Alright, alright, you win,” conceded a sopping wet man in a neon wetsuit. “You’re officially the craziest freebie shopper in Saint Benedict’s Bay.”

“Thank you,” Mia replied, grinning impishly. “I do try my best.”

“Seriously though,” he continued, wiping water from his eyes. “What did you find down there? Was it worth all the trouble?”

Mia glanced down at her hand, still clenched tightly around the object she had retrieved. For a moment, she considered revealing its contents to her fellow adventurers, but decided against it. Instead, she flashed a coy smile.

It was a $4,000,000 House of LaVerge diamond-and-ruby necklace created by renowned designer Lord Maximilian Verdant, Viscount of the Verdigris Vale.

“Let’s just say, that it was worth every heart-stopping, shark-dodging moment.”

Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.