Elon Musk Announces New Cybertruck with Built-In Trebuchet for Launching Friends into Rock Festivals and Sporting Events
Silicon Valley, CA – Elon Musk, the modern-day Willy Wonka of heavy machinery and chaos, has once again shattered the boundaries of “Why would anyone do this?” by announcing the latest upgrade to Tesla’s already-notorious Cybertruck. The 2025 model will feature a state-of-the-art trebuchet, allowing owners to launch their friends into sold-out rock festivals, outdoor sporting events, or anywhere tickets are an overpriced myth.
“It’s about freedom,” Musk explained during a press event held in the shadow of an enormous trebuchet parked on the Tesla campus. “And physics. Mostly physics. Why should you pay $500 to sit in the nosebleeds when you can launch Greg right onto the field at the Super Bowl? With precision engineering and a good wind, you could be in the mosh pit with Metallica before Lars Ulrich notices you’re not wearing a wristband.”
The announcement sent shockwaves through both the automotive and event security industries. Dubbed the CyberChuck, the vehicle’s trebuchet can allegedly hurl a fully grown adult up to 300 yards—500 yards if they bring their own parachute.
The Tech Behind the Toss
Tesla’s trebuchet system uses a revolutionary carbon-fiber arm and compressed SpaceX jet thrusters for “extra zing,” as Musk put it. For safety (and to avoid lawsuits), the CyberChuck will come equipped with Tesla’s “Soft Landing Guarantee™,” a patent-pending technology that promises your friend will “probably” land on their feet.
Additionally, the CyberChuck’s onboard AI, LaunchGPT, will calculate wind speed, trajectory, and optimal snack bar landing zones for events.
“It’s not just a vehicle,” said Musk. “It’s an experience. Also, it’s a tax write-off if you’re in the influencer economy.”
Surprise Demonstration: Free VIP Access
During the event, Musk stunned attendees by launching Grimes—his ex-partner and frequent test subject—into the heart of a nearby Coachella soundcheck. As she descended in a parachute branded with the Tesla logo, she was heard shouting, “This is the closest I’ve ever been to affordable art!”
Moments later, Musk gleefully flung himself toward a Warriors game in progress at the Chase Center, holding a selfie stick and a sign that read, “Please RT.”
The Fine Print
Tesla claims the CyberChuck’s trebuchet is “eco-friendly,” running on surplus solar power and leftover Twitter ad revenue. Musk hinted at future upgrades, including a subscription-based premium feature called CyberSlingshot for even greater distances, allowing fans to “bypass the riff-raff” at global events.
Critics, however, remain skeptical. Security experts have already raised concerns about the chaos the CyberChuck could unleash. “This is literally weaponizing FOMO,” said Madison ‘Skree’ Perry, head of festival security for Lollapalooza. “We can’t have people catapulting their friends over the VIP fence. Again.”
Musk dismissed the criticism with his trademark nonchalance, tweeting, “Haters gonna hate. Innovators gonna launch Greg.”
Coming Soon
Pre-orders for the CyberChuck are now open, starting at $269,420—because of course they are—with an optional accessory kit that includes a helmet, an inflatable landing pad, and a GoPro mount for recording your friend’s “historic entry.”
The first batch of CyberChucks is expected to hit the roads—and various outdoor venues—by mid-2025. Musk ended the event, declaring, “We’re not just redefining transportation. We’re redefining trespassing.”
If nothing else, one thing is certain: festivals and stadiums will never be the same. Nor will Greg.
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