Elon Musk Axes Funding for 10 Totally Unnecessary Science Departments
Here’s a list of science departments Musk is cutting.
Department of Quantum Snack Dynamics
Focused on creating snacks that exist in a superposition of salty and sweet until eaten. Their latest project, Schrodinger’s Cookie, may or may not be gluten-free depending on who observes it.
Bureau of Meteorological Vengeance
Specializes in controlling weather patterns to “teach humanity a lesson.” Recent experiments included creating “slightly inconvenient rain” to remind people to carry umbrellas.
Institute for Applied Overthinking
Dedicated to ensuring every simple task is made unnecessarily complex. Their crowning achievement is the self-tying shoelace app that requires 17 updates before it works.
Center for Aerodynamic Mustaches
A pioneering research group determining the optimal mustache shape for reducing wind resistance at high speeds. Elon personally tested their “Hyperspeed Handlebar” on a SpaceX launch.
National Bureau of Time Travel Ethics
Exists solely to determine whether it’s morally acceptable to go back in time and tell Einstein about memes. Their budget was mostly spent on 12 years of debating whether TikTok would ruin history.
Division of Space Dumpster Engineering
Dedicated to designing intergalactic garbage cans for collecting “space litter.” Their first attempt, the Galactic Trash Blaster, accidentally sucked up a SpaceX rocket.
Department of Avian AI Relations
Tasked with negotiating peace treaties between humans and pigeons using advanced AI translators. Their groundbreaking research culminated in the creation of the first pigeon ambassador, “Cluckworth IV.”
Institute of Spherical Watermelon Studies
Funded to grow perfectly round watermelons for more efficient cannonball stacking. Their latest disaster involved a runaway prototype that rolled through three Midwestern counties.
Bureau of Intergalactic Etiquette
Ensures humanity doesn’t embarrass itself during first contact with aliens. Current projects include developing a universal handshake and banning “dad jokes” from diplomatic missions.
Center for Reverse Evolutionary Biology
Works on de-evolving animals to create “retro pets.” They’ve successfully turned a dog into a wolf, a wolf into a velociraptor, and accidentally created a sentient cactus that refuses to pay taxes.
Each department is being cut Elon as part of his mission to streamline humanity’s journey to Mars—because who needs Avian AI Relations when you’ve got pigeons in zero-G?
