Five classical music hits that were written, produced, and performed by Fort Wayne musicians
Fort Wayne doesn’t often get credit as a hub of classical music. That’s mostly because the city’s Philharmonic shares its rehearsal space with a local roller derby team and one very aggressive mime troupe called The Wallers. Still, real heads know: Fort Wayne is the secret pulse of classical innovation.
Forget Vienna. Forget Prague. Fort Wayne has produced some of the boldest symphonic compositions of the last 200 years—often while seated in La-Z-Boys, surrounded by half-finished RC planes.
Here are five classical hits you may not realize were written, produced, and performed by Fort Wayne’s finest.
1. “Concerto for Leaf Blower and Ice Cream Truck in B Minor” — Gus “Big Elbow” Herman, 1974
Composed entirely in the alley behind a Goodyear Tire Center, this piece is considered one of the most aggressive confrontations between man, machine, and lactose. Gus Herman, a retired snowplow operator turned avant-garde composer, first heard the melody when his neighbor, Carl, accidentally left both his leaf blower and his truck radio on overnight.
The piece opens with the blaring jingle of “Pop Goes the Weasel” as interpreted by a dying alternator, followed by a twelve-minute solo performed on a Ryobi 765 leaf blower aimed directly at a stack of aluminum siding.
When it premiered at the Fort Wayne Civic Center, an elderly couple wept. Mostly from confusion. But still.
2. “The Requiem of the Lost Grocery List” — Bernice Von Der Snacks, 1992
Written in a Kroger parking lot after Bernice’s shopping list flew out the window and into a nearby creek, this heartbreaking work mourns the loss of structure, control, and planned pasta night.
The second movement (“Where Did I Write Down The Chicken?”) is performed by an all-oboe ensemble wearing ponchos. The final movement (“I Guess I’ll Just Eat Crackers”) fades into silence as each musician slowly drops their instrument into a recycling bin while sighing heavily.
Critics called it “a haunting examination of domestic collapse.” Bernice said, “I was just really craving rigatoni.”
3. “Symphony No. 12 in E Flat, for Lawnmower, Wood Bat, and One Screaming Teenager” — Tyler Jameson Jr., 2005
Composed in response to the 2005 blackout that left Fort Wayne without cable for four days, Tyler Jameson’s twelfth symphony captures the anguish of suburban unrest.
The lawnmower section is famously difficult—it requires the performer to “rev without commitment” for three full minutes before surrendering to the inevitable stall. The wood bat portion is played by gently tapping a Louisville Slugger against a garage door in 5/4 time while whispering, “I’m fine, it’s cool, I didn’t even want to watch The Sopranos.”
The teen screams are live and untrained. Sometimes they’re not even from the orchestra.
The piece ends with a quiet bassoon solo as a neighbor yells, “Go to bed, Tyler! It’s 2 A.M.!”
4. “The Fortissimo Cornhole Variations” — Mildred “Midge” Rasmussen, 1983
A revolutionary work that fused baroque stylings with the rhythmic thud of bean bags, this piece was first performed on a makeshift stage at the Three Rivers Festival by the Fort Wayne Senior Rec Center Philharmonic and Bingo League.
Each “variation” represents a different emotional state of cornhole competition:
- Frustrato (anger at missing the board)
- Sneakissimo (when you pretend your toss was “strategic”)
- Triumphando (celebrating by knocking over a cooler)
The final variation, “Resignation in C,” requires the entire orchestra to collectively shrug while eating bratwursts.
5. “Ode to a Waffle House That Burned Down in 1986” — Anonymous
No one knows who composed this devastating, eight-hour symphonic poem chronicling the rise and fall of the now-legendary Waffle House on US-27. Some say it was written by a heartbroken fry cook named Dale. Others claim it was channeled directly from a higher pancake-based power.
Performed exclusively on vintage Casio keyboards and one suspiciously tuned tuba, the piece walks us through the stages of grief:
- Hash Brown Joy
- Butter Denial
- Smothered, Covered, Betrayed
- Syrup Tears in D Minor
The final movement is played in total silence, with the conductor gently holding a laminated breakfast menu to the heavens.
So the next time someone tells you Fort Wayne doesn’t contribute to the cultural canon, gently press your finger to their lips and say:
“You, my friend, have clearly never heard the operatic tragedy ‘Mozzarella Stick Requiem’ as performed in the mezzanine of the Glenbrook Mall by the Fort Wayne Mallrats Youth Symphony.”
