Get a well-rounded education! Well, except these huge chunks of history.

I hear the current education trend is to ban talking about things that obviously happened. To keep current with fads then I’d like to ban talking about my balding head, spreading waistline, bad puns, lousy jokes, all 9500 failed relationships and unfathomably bad golf swing — once described as a man fighting off a swarm of African killer bees while walking on hot coals at a Tony Robbins seminar.