Gunfight at the Car Wash Corral

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

I kept firing as he came at me.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

He bobbed and weaved, but I winged him twice.

I kept at it. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

He came around me from behind but I kept shooting.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

A few minutes ago I was happily washing my car in the warm California sun. I was dousing the driver’s side with my beloved ONR Rinseless Car Wash from a spray bottle when the largest wasp I’ve ever seen landed on the rear door.

He was big, green and looked really mean.

My reaction was instinctual. See, when I was a kid in Texas, we would douse creepy crawlies with RAID. And these were Texas-sized creepy crawlies, meaning you could ride one to school if it let you. I should have let the giant wasp alone, but my first reaction was to start shooting.

I hit him square a couple of times before he flew from the car. He regained his bearing and came straight at me. I kept shooting, as he did an insect version of the Matrix, bending his body in mid-air as blasts of car wash solution blazed past.

He went around behind, so I wheeled around and kept up the attack.

He made the mistake of landing back on my front window to catch his breath.

Blam! Blam! Blam! I hit him — “dead solid perfect” as they say in Austin — three times and he rolled into the windshield wiper well.

I leaned over to peer in the dark well. Is he in there?

He flew out right at my face!

“Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhh! I yelled, reaching for my gun, I mean sprayer, finally locating the trigger and shooting wildly in the air as I spun around in a tight circle, not sure where he was but hoping something would land.

I haven’t seen him since all day.

But I know he’s out there.