Hank the Tank: In-depth interview
Hank the Tank is a giant bear. He’s also a career criminal with a rap sheet the size of 10 bear’s paws laid end to end.
He’s broken into dozens of homes in around Lake Tahoe and has been a bear of interest in hundreds more incidents in the community.
Why is Hank throwing his massive 500-pound frame around and bullying this community? I talked to him to get the lowdown.
Joe: Hank, now that I meet you, you really are a big boy!
Hank: 500 pounds fighting weight, Joe. I can get up to 550 if I have a good season and lay around victorious.
Joe: Well, let’s go with that. What do you mean by a good season?
Hank: Breaking into homes, brother! That’s what I do!
Joe: Why? Are you stealing?
Hank: Yes! Stealing food, my man! I leave paintings and jewelry to the amateur thieves. I go after steaks!
Joe: But Hank, why aren’t you out in nature getting food like other animals?
Hank: Wow, are you naive! Because I can get killed out there! Do you know that a moose can kick you from any direction? That’s right, their legs are built so they can kick you from ANY DIRECTION. Joe, a moose is 1200 pounds! My cousin got killed when he accidentally walked up in a moose scrolling through Facebook just off a trail near a mulberry bush. The moose killed him with ONE KICK!
Joe: Alright. Well, now you know how these humans feel when they come home and see your massive butt going through their fridge.
Hank: You know what? It’s the other way around. Why are they here in MY home. Things were fine until they build these homes up in these woods. What did they think was going to happen? How would you feel if I moved into your house and set up camp.
Joe: Well, you might have a point there, but Hank, you’re still stealing their stuff.
Hank: Look, I take a few steaks, a few ribeyes, some salmon from the freezer in the garage. Maybe if it is hot I take a dip in the pool and dry off using a towel I might find in the pool house. What do they care?
Joe: OK, but what about kids? Kids are terrified of you.
Hank: Nah, I give them rides sometimes. And later in life, I’ll come back and tell them stories at the local library. I’m great on stage.
