I Asked the Experts What They Thought About These Popular Starbucks Drinks

I’m a boring Starbucks customer. I just order the “house coffee.” I don’t even care what it is.

But forget about average schmoes like me for a second. What do real coffee experts think about some of the most popular Starbucks drinks?

You know, the the ones I never order and can’t spell. (F-r-r-a-p-p-p-a-ch-ee-no. Is that right?)

Here is what they said.

White Chocolate Mocha

A mocha made with white chocolate. Why? Expert Gary Caffeeninmyvayns says it’s a winner. “To get the most out of this White Chocolate Mocha, you must be sitting on a white steed charging up a hill at sunrise, yelling ‘To the battle, sire, to the battle!'”

Iced Caramel Machiato

“What the heck is this?” said coffee expert Sally Mochathishere. “It certainly is not a real Italian Macchiato. This takes like they chopped up the ice at the local hockey rink and put it in the glass.”

Flat White

“Flat White is a selection on the paint sample display at the home improvement store,” said well-regarded coffee industry leader Neal Foamtop. “It’s not a coffee drink. I don’t care how much steamed milk you put on it. Do you know what they do to cows to make their milk come out steamed? Ridiculous.”