I need a list of your employees and how you pay them

Another Ditzel family story: My cousin Andrew runs a fishing boat on Lake Erie near Put-in-Bay. A few years ago the IRS believed he wasn’t paying his deckhand proper wages and sent an agent to check him out.

The IRS guy showed up on the dock in a black suit, white shirt and black tie. “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” he said.

Andrew said, “Well, there’s Clarence, my deck hand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.

“Then there’s the crazy guy. He has some personal challenges. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen beers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.”

“Yes, sir, that’s the fellow. I want to talk to him right now,” the agent said without smiling.

Andrew said, “That would be me. What would you like to know?”