If You are Lucky, It Won’t Get Stolen

Amazon’ Prime service is terribly convenient. Not only do you get one of the biggest product selections on Earth, they guarantee two day shipping. And they’ll update you with emails and texts about where your product is on the delivery schedule, so you can rest assured it is on the way.

Here are some actual emails I received after I placed an order.

Hello, Joseph, thank you for ordering “Winter Golf Shoes from Mudbeaters.” We’ll let you know when the item ships.

Hey, Joseph, my boy Sam picked your item from our 40 million square foot warehouse.

Hi, Joseph, those cool “Winter Golf Shoes” are on the truck and heading toward your city. What are Winter Golf Shoes, anyway? Why not just wear two pairs of socks?

Hey, Joe, Sandra is your driver. She says the shoes are on the truck and rolling down the highway. Almost to your town, buddy!

Joey, my boy, good news, Sandra got there with no problems even though the front axle was making a “whump-whump” sound. Weird.

OK, Joey, your item is off the truck and is whipping around some conveyors and chutes we have at the distribution center not that far from your place. Booya!

Hey, Jose, we were able to pile your box on top of some other stuff going to your street. It was close, but Geoffrey stepped into the loo at the last minute, and we threw you box in the truck.

Hey, buddy, how are you? Its hectic as heck down here. My dogs are barking! Maybe I should get some Winter Golf Shoes, hear me? Listen, Geoffrey is having a bite, but after that he’ll drop off your shoes before 8pm. Capiche?

Joey, my friend! Geoffrey didn’t see you were home, so he left the package in plain sight on the porch. Hope you get home before it gets nicked!