I’ll be right there: The last second Uber rider

MARCUS, 32, is in his apartment, talking to his phone camera for his new self-help vlog: “Life Optimization Tips with Marcus.” He’s wearing one shoe, his shirt is half-buttoned, and his hair is wet. His phone keeps pinging with Uber driver messages.

“Hey guys! Today we’re talking about maximizing your time efficiency through strategic ride-share optimization. A lot of people waste time just standing around waiting for their Uber. [Phone pings] Oh, hold on– just gotta tell Jerome I’ll be right there. Three minutes, tops.

[Types on phone while hopping on one foot, trying to put on his other shoe]

See, the key is understanding that ‘Your driver has arrived’ is more of a… philosophical concept than a literal timestamp. When the app says my driver is five minutes away, that’s my cue to start thinking about getting ready. [Phone pings again] Just sent Jerome a quick ‘Coming!’ – gotta keep that communication flowing.

[Starts searching under couch cushions]

The trick is to request your ride at the exact moment that maximizes your getting-ready efficiency. I’ve developed a proprietary system I call T.A.R.D.Y: Time-Adjusted Ride Delay Yields… [Pauses] I’m still workshopping that last part. Where are my keys? [Phone pings] Yes, Jerome, I see you circling the block.

[Runs to bathroom, starts frantically brushing teeth]

People ask me, ‘Marcus, why don’t you just wait until you’re ready to call the Uber?’ [Spits toothpaste] Absolutely not! That’s like cooking dinner after you’re hungry. You gotta think ahead! [Phone pings] Two more minutes, Jerome! Just gotta find my other black sock.

[Starts tossing clothes from a laundry basket]

I actually maintain a spreadsheet of driver patience metrics. Did you know that drivers named Steve are 23% more likely to wait than drivers named Keith? [Phone pings] Oh, it’s a message from Jerome… who apparently has three kids to pick up from soccer practice. That’s great news – parents are used to waiting!

[Frantically sprays cologne while checking hair]

The real pros know it’s all about the status updates. ‘Coming down now!’ buys you three minutes. ‘Just grabbing my keys!’ is another two. ‘Walking out the door!’ is good for five, minimum. [Phone pings] Speaking of which… [Types] ‘Almost there, just grabbing my keys!’ Classic.

[Starts stuffing random items into his pockets]

I’ve got it down to a science. The sweet spot is exactly 7.5 minutes after they arrive – that’s when they’re too invested to cancel, but not quite angry enough to one-star you. [Phone pings] Although Jerome might be testing that theory right now.

[Checking his reflection while simultaneously looking for his wallet]

Some people might call it inconsiderate. I call it time optimization! Why waste precious minutes standing on the curb when you could be up here looking for your phone? [Pats pockets frantically] Which is… somewhere… [Phone pings in the distance] Oh! It’s in the kitchen next to the coffee I haven’t finished making yet.

[Running to kitchen]

Fun fact: I’ve actually had three different Ubers cancel on me while I was recording my last ‘Time Management Tips’ video. [Phone pings with a more urgent tone] Okay, Jerome’s caps lock is on now. That’s usually a red flag.

[Starts gathering final items while speed-walking]

The real trick is to… wait, is that rain? Let me just grab my umbrella. [Starts searching closet] I know it’s in here somewhere… [Phone pings] Yes, Jerome, I know you’ve been here twelve minutes! That’s like, what, two TikToks? Time is relative!

[Finally heading toward door, turns back]

Oh wait! Almost forgot my laptop charger. Can’t start the day without… [Phone notification sound] Aaaand Jerome cancelled. [Immediately starts typing on phone] Perfect timing to try out my new theory about drivers named Michael. They’re very understanding, statistically speaking.

[Looking directly at camera]

Don’t forget to like and subscribe for more life optimization tips! Next week: ‘Why Restaurant Reservation Times Are More Like Guidelines.’ Now if you’ll excuse me… [Types on phone] ‘Be right there, Michael!'”