In Loving Memory of Grandma Agatha “No Guff” McSnark

In an unfortunate yet wholly expected turn of events, the world has been blessedly relieved of the biting wit of Portland’s Grandma Agatha McSnark, who passed away at the ripe age of 97 after winning a heated argument against Death himself. He reportedly left, muttering about “needing a vacation.”

Agatha, best known for her alias “No Guff McSnark,” leaves behind a legacy of sarcastic retorts, fierce side-eyes, and the lingering sense of unease she instilled in cheeky grandchildren and impudent salesmen alike.

She began her no-nonsense journey at a young age, reputedly telling the doctor who delivered her, “Took you long enough.” By age 7, she had developed a glare that could silence a room, and by 13, had refined the art of sarcastic clapping.

Not one to suffer fools or chewy cookies, Agatha’s proudest achievement was her lifelong record of never once pretending to like a mediocre meal. Chefs from around the world tried and failed to impress her with their delicacies, only to be met with her signature phrase, “I’ve had better.”

In her later years, she turned to the internet where she delighted in debunking conspiracy theories, starting feuds with bots, and correcting the grammar of trolls.

Her family wishes to assure everyone that she departed on her own terms: eyebrows furrowed, lips pursed, and with an index finger wagging in the general direction of the universe.

In lieu of flowers, the family requests you simply look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Would Agatha approve?” If the answer is no, make better choices.