Introducing Portland Oregon: A press release from 1851
FOR IMMEDIATE DISTRIBUTION
Date: August 15, 1851
Introducing Portland, Oregon: Where the Old West Meets Hipster Heaven
PORTLAND, OREGON TERRITORY – Tucked between two rivers and a whole lot of trees, the up-and-coming town of Portland invites settlers from the East to experience the wild, wild West… with a twist. Think less “Gold Rush” and more “Organic, Gluten-Free, Fair-Trade Coffee Rush.”
A Land of Musical Opportunity:
Sure, Portland has fertile lands and booming trade, but have you heard our indie folk scene? Every saloon boasts a banjo-playing bard who’s totally not mainstream. Investors, consider opening the first-ever vinyl record store – it’s the future (and the past)!
Organic Oregon Trail:
Why die of dysentery on the Oregon Trail when you can thrive on Portland‘s organic, non-GMO, locally-sourced berries? Settlers, bring your mason jars!
Hippie Homesteads:
Our community isn’t just tight-knit; it’s hand-stitched with ethically sourced wool. Join a town where teepees and yurts aren’t just for nomads, but for anyone seeking a meditation retreat.
Natural Beauty & Artisanal Beard Oil:
Portland’s forests aren’t just for logging. They’re the perfect backdrop for your plein air painting sessions, poetry slams, and crafting artisanal beard oils.
Sustainable Stagecoaches:
Our horse-drawn stagecoaches are 100% emission-free (if you don’t count the horse droppings). And rumor has it, a local blacksmith is crafting the first bicycle – it’s like a horse, but with pedals!
A Message from the Founders:
“We’ve got big dreams for Portland. Dreams of a place where the coffee is always brewing, the flannel is always plaid, and the vibes are always chill. Join us in creating a town that’s historically ahead of its time.” – Francis W. “Free Spirit” Pettygrove & Asa “Avocado Toast” Lovejoy
For more information, or to RSVP to our inaugural drum circle, contact the Portland Pioneering & Poetry Office.
About Portland:
Established in 1845, Portland is the place where the Oregon Trail ends and the trail to self-discovery begins. It’s not just a settlement; it’s a vibe.
