I’ve been carrying my arms around for free—and i’m done with it

Did you know each arm is 5-8 percent of your body weight?

That means if you’re feeling sluggish, maybe you’re just dragging around two freeloaders who refuse to pitch in. It’s like lugging around two very lazy, unhelpful roommates everywhere you go. They don’t chip in for rent, they don’t carry groceries, and good luck getting them to help you move a couch.

And what are they doing with all that mass, anyway? Half the time, they’re just dangling there like they’re waiting for a bus that’s never coming. If my arms are 8 percent of my body weight, they should at least be able to fold laundry without me being involved. I’ve got 16 percent of my existence draped off my shoulders like two overstuffed duffel bags with a union contract.

I’m starting to think I should charge my arms rent. Make them do a little work around here. Lift a few more boxes, scratch my back without complaining, maybe contribute to a high-five that actually has some spirit behind it. Or at the very least, stop going numb when I fall asleep on them—I’m paying for full-time service, not part-time narcolepsy.