Kansas city’s five dullest menswear shops
1. Beige Bros Emporium – Downtown, 12th and Bland St.
Located right at the intersection of 12th and Bland Street, Beige Bros Emporium proudly boasts “57 shades of beige and counting!” The window displays mannequins dressed in the sort of outfits one would don to blend seamlessly into the waiting room at an optometrist’s office or at a particularly tedious family reunion. Famous citywide for their annual “Festival of Khaki,” Beige Bros draws in crowds of at least a dozen listless shoppers every August, excitedly murmuring things like, “Is that taupe or stonewash oatmeal?”
Manager Kevin Grumly cheerily notes, “We know excitement isn’t our niche. Our customers embrace the safe, dependable thrill of blending into their surroundings like human wallpaper.”
2. Pants ’n Plants – In the Parking Lot Behind Kansas City Succulent World
Offering slacks, chinos, and ferns, Pants ’n Plants is a groundbreaking concept in yawningly boring fashion. Nestled neatly behind Kansas City Succulent World, a thriving cactus emporium (which does a roaring trade compared to its drowsy neighbor), Pants ’n Plants became known primarily for its ambitious slogan: “Get pants. And plants. Then leave quietly.”
“This place is ideal if you prefer shopping to feel similar to waiting in line at the DMV,” customer Harold Tidmore told us while carefully inspecting a pair of unremarkable gray corduroys beside a drooping potted aloe. “It’s meditative. I haven’t felt this level of gentle monotony since my last dentist appointment.”
3. Buttoned Up & Down – Inside Terminal C at Kansas City International Airport
Tucked discreetly between a pretzel stand and a shoe shine kiosk, Buttoned Up & Down exclusively sells crisp white dress shirts, identical in every conceivable way, save for varying button placements. Once an airline passenger mistakenly entered looking for the restroom, but quickly realized his error when confronted with the overpowering scent of fabric starch and ennui.
“We’ve mastered the fine art of being perfectly forgettable,” the perpetually yawning manager, Raymond Dilby, remarked. “Customers wander in here and lose all sense of time, space, and purpose. Which pairs beautifully with air travel.”
4. Sweater Weather Forever – Basement Level, Mid-America Bland Mall
“At Sweater Weather Forever, every day is an overcast November afternoon,” announces the dimly lit signage above its entrance in the mall’s basement. Famous for their only mildly itchy cardigans and beige turtlenecks, they do one thing, and they do it tediously well. Each sweater, suspiciously smelling faintly of mothballs, is displayed beside vintage photographs of people experiencing mundane tasks, such as checking the mailbox or reading the phone book.
Regular customer Larry Twigs confessed, “I’ve been shopping here since 1977, and it has genuinely made no difference whatsoever to my appearance or personality. That kind of consistency is comforting.”
5. The Sock Drawer – Westport’s Least Interesting Alley
Hidden quietly in an alleyway widely known as “the place you wander into when you’ve entirely run out of things to do,” The Sock Drawer specializes in solid-color socks with minimal elasticity. Locals affectionately—or at least tolerantly—call it “the beige hole of Westport.”
When asked about his retail approach, proprietor Ron Shruggs offered, “My socks do exactly what socks are supposed to: absolutely nothing else. Anything extra would simply raise expectations.”
Customer Bobbie Gritts affirmed, “Every sock here matches every other sock. It’s sock equality at its finest. It takes all of the adrenaline out of getting dressed in the morning, and I appreciate that.”
In Kansas City, these five remarkably dull establishments have captured the hearts—or rather, mildly piqued the lukewarm interest—of those who cherish predictability above all else. It just goes to show that sometimes being forgettable is what makes you unforgettable, or at least vaguely memorable in the dullest way imaginable.
