Let me put that in a bag for you and happy holidays!

This week a group of more than 100 thieves robbed the Nordstrom store in Walnut Creek, California in a coordinated attack. Walnut Creek is an idyllic little burg in the prosperous suburbs east of Oakland. It was a flash “smash-and-grab” that the media said took less then a minute.

I know a little about this store because I used to work there. I worked in men’s accessories and still hold the store record of saying to mothers buying their son’s first “grown-up” clothes, “Well, he’s growing. In a few weeks it will be too small.”

Let’s think about this a minute. How do you coordinate 100 people in a flash shoplift? “OK, guys, I want you ten on men’s suits, you 12 here on jewelry, the sixteen of you sitting here on women’s couture…”

And it’s a two-story establishment. The people nearest the exits on the first floor have the best chance of escape. Did anyone raise their hand and say, “Yeah, look, this is cool and all. But my sister here roped me in on this caper. And I don’t really know you people. So I don’t want my assignment of women’s dresses on the second floor back by the Customer Service area. I’ve got a bad knee from high school football…”

“Brian, sit down, you never injured your knee playing football. You fell down to the stands after a downing a bottle of whisky three years after you graduated. Come on, now!”

“Well, irregardless, I want to be assigned the candy counter on the first floor.”

I’ve moved around a lot. I know how much stuff fits in a car. You’d have to have at least 50 cars to hold all the things 100 people can steal, especially because they aren’t folding and packing it neatly. More of a run, throw, slam the door and go.

I couldn’t do it. I don’t like people messing up my car. “Hey, I just vacuumed there, my man! Put that stuff in the trunk!”

A heist like this just doesn’t seem worth it. I’m sure they targeted the most valuable stuff, but then what? Did everybody meet at a warehouse down by the river and get an equal cut of the total dollar amount fenced? Or do you just keep what you take and that’s it?

I wouldn’t be good at this type of crime. I’d run up the escalator, grab a bunch of heavy women’s winter coats, start running down the same escalator, drop a couple, trip on them and roll ass over tea kettle—a giant snowball of pasty, old white guy and high quality wool coats—picking up steam until I broke through the wall, bounced on a few cars, smashing their roofs, until I crashed into the line of kids and families waiting to see Santa, bashing directly into Santa himself, sending his red suit and black boots flying through the California sky to splash-land in Steph Curry’s swimming pool.