Sports

Lights, Camera, Paris: The Ultimate Action Star Stunts at the Closing Ceremony

Tom Cruise was Tom of a spectacular stunt (I know, shocking!) at the Paris 2024 Summer Olympics. But what you saw was the result of Tom and his team brainstorming a wide variety of different crazy things he could do. Here are the insane ten that didn’t make the cut.

1. The Eiffel Tower Base Jump with a Twist

Tom Cruise climbs to the top of the Eiffel Tower, but instead of simply base jumping off, he launches into a full-fledged aerial ballet. Midway through, he pulls a hidden cord that deploys a parachute shaped like a giant baguette, gliding gracefully towards a massive croissant-shaped landing pad in the middle of the stadium. The stunt ends with a perfectly timed somersault into the crowd, where he takes a bite of a real croissant handed to him by a mime.

2. The Seine River Jet Ski Escape

Tom starts on a jet ski in the Seine, speeding through a series of flaming hoops floating on the river. Just when it seems like he’s about to crash into a bridge, Tom ramps off a hidden ramp, launching the jet ski into the air. He then lands on a moving double-decker tour bus, which he drives straight into the stadium, where it transforms into a high-speed carousel that spins him out and onto a waiting unicycle.

3. The Human Cannonball with a Plot Twist

Tom is shot out of a cannon from one end of the stadium, but instead of flying across the field, he soars out of the stadium entirely. Just as the crowd thinks the stunt has gone horribly wrong, he appears on the giant screen, skydiving back towards the stadium from a helicopter. He lands perfectly in the arms of a giant robotic French bulldog, which then proceeds to walk him down the aisle to deliver the final Olympic torch.

4. The Arc de Triomphe Parkour Marathon

Tom leads a group of elite parkour athletes in an insane race from the Arc de Triomphe to the stadium, scaling walls, flipping over cars, and sliding down the glass pyramids of the Louvre. He arrives at the stadium just as a series of synchronized drones create a holographic obstacle course in mid-air, which Tom navigates with gravity-defying moves. The stunt ends with him diving into a pool of sparkling water, emerging with the Olympic flag.

5. The French Culinary Heist

Tom rappels down from a helicopter onto the rooftop of a famous Parisian bakery. There, he proceeds to “steal” a giant, oversized baguette while dodging lasers, swinging croissants, and a fleet of hovering drones armed with baguette cannons. Tom then races through the streets of Paris on a rollerblading chase sequence, jumping over café tables and dodging traffic, before arriving at the stadium, where he slices the baguette in half to reveal the final Olympic medal hidden inside.

6. The Notre-Dame Fire Walk

Tom reenacts a daring escape from the top of Notre-Dame Cathedral. He leaps from the iconic towers, somersaulting through a ring of fire mid-air before sliding down a zipline that takes him over the heads of the audience. He lands on a tightrope stretched across the stadium, walking confidently across while juggling flaming batons. The stunt ends with a leap into a pool of water shaped like a giant fleur-de-lis, extinguishing the flames in a spectacular splash.

7. The Catacombs Chopper Dive

Tom begins his stunt underground, emerging from the infamous Paris Catacombs in a customized chopper. He bursts through a wall into daylight, riding up a spiraling ramp that takes him into the sky. At the peak of the ascent, he performs a mid-air backflip, jumping off the chopper, which then transforms into a giant kite that glides him back to the stadium. Once inside, he drops down onto a giant chessboard where he “checkmates” a life-sized chess piece made of chocolate.

8. The Montmartre Wine Barrel Roll

Tom starts at the top of Montmartre, strapped inside an oversized wine barrel. He rolls down the winding streets, smashing through wine casks and dodging paint-splattered artists along the way. Just as the barrel seems to be out of control, he breaks free, performing a series of acrobatic flips onto a moving platform that whisks him across the rooftops of Paris. He lands inside the stadium, where the barrel bursts open to reveal a bouquet of roses and the Olympic torch.

9. The Louvre Art Heist Freefall

Tom orchestrates a heist-style escape from the Louvre, sliding down the glass pyramid in a suit made of mirrors that reflect the city’s lights. He narrowly avoids capture by swinging from a helicopter that flies him over the Seine, where he lets go and dives into the river. The crowd watches in suspense as he disappears beneath the surface, only to reemerge seconds later on a speedboat that races him to the stadium. The finale sees him “unveil” the Olympic medals hidden within a replica of the Mona Lisa.

10. The Champs-Élysées Zipline Chase

Tom begins by commandeering a parade float on the Champs-Élysées, transforming it into a high-speed go-kart. He races down the avenue, pursued by a fleet of vintage cars and motorbikes. At the last second, he launches off a ramp and grab hold of a zipline that takes him flying over the Arc de Triomphe. As he ziplines towards the stadium, fireworks explode behind him, and he drops down onto the Olympic stage, landing perfectly in the center of a ring of flames that spell out “Vive La France!”

Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.