Marjorie Taylor Green vs Laura Loomer: MAGA cage match

Laura Loomer and Marjorie Taylor Greene are in the middle of a major online beef. Here are 10 ways they could settle it.

1. Cage Match at Golden Corral

Forget Madison Square Garden. Book the back room of a Golden Corral during early-bird hours. They’ll have unlimited fried shrimp, chocolate fountain fuel, and a built-in audience of retirees who can’t believe the spectacle is free with their buffet wristband.

2. CrossFit Showdown

Both claim to have the grit and stamina of frontier pioneers. Fine. Strap on the headbands and let’s see who can flip tractor tires the fastest in a CrossFit box in Gainesville. Loser has to do burpees until 2026.

3. Trivia Night: Conspiracy Edition

Settle it where it hurts: conspiracy trivia. Categories include “Deep State Dance Moves,” “UFOs and Why They Hate You,” and “Government Weather Machines: Fashion Do’s and Don’ts.” Whoever cites Wikipedia first is immediately disqualified.

4. Shopping Cart Jousting at Walmart

Two carts, one aisle, and the auto section at stake. Each gets three passes armed with pool noodles. Winner gets a $50 Big Blue gift card and lifetime bragging rights over aisle 17.

5. TikTok Dance Battle

Since attention is the currency of politics now, why not have them settle it with TikTok choreography? Whoever can do the Renegade while angrily yelling about George Soros takes the crown.

6. Debate Moderated by Guy Fieri

Guy hosts in Flavortown City Hall. Every answer must be delivered between bites of donkey sauce wings. First one to drop ranch on their lap loses all credibility forever.

7. Karaoke at a Daytona Beach Bar

Each belts out their campaign theme song. Greene goes with “Eye of the Tiger,” Loomer tries “Oops!… I Did It Again.” Winner decided by volume of beer pitchers thrown in support.

8. WWE Tag Team Tryout

Both sign waivers, grab feather boas, and audition as a new heel tag team. Their finisher? The Conspiracy Suplex. Vince McMahon could finally retire in peace.

9. Bible Verse Speed-Reading Contest

Both pride themselves on Biblical knowledge. Give them King James Bibles, two Monster Energy drinks, and a stopwatch. First one to power-read Leviticus without passing out wins.

10. Civil War Reenactment Casting Call

Settle it in historically accurate costumes. They each audition to play “Angry Townsperson #2.” Director decides who really channels the spirit of America’s crankiest citizen.